A New Life

Jeepers...almost 2 years since I have posted on my own blog.  It has been a ride the last year and half. I won't explain it all.  We survived prostate cancer.  We survived a tough year with our granddaughter with her many surgeries.  We are still surviving with aging parents.  We are more than surviving...we are living in our little mountain cabin in Virginia.  We moved sold and moved out of our house in January and visited with our kids for 3 months waiting for the weather to break here.  We moved in at the end of March and so life as a retired couple has begun.  It's kind of wigging me out...but I am adjusting.  My husband of almost 37 years is finally relaxing.  His work ethic is incredibly strong so I was not sure how he would adjust to a no work schedule and remarkably he is thriving.  I still feel like I might wake up at anytime and find this has all been a dream.
This all began as my husband was teaching Sunday school and it was continually all about "selling all that you have and give to the poor and follow me" (Jesus).  We had known for probably 2 years that we were not in the right place.  We were so restless and just couldn't figure out why.  We loved our home and love our church family but we knew that God was quickly closing that door.  We were offered an opportunity to consider.   It was doing ministry in inner city Cleaveland,OH.  We were ready to jump and go so we put our house up for sale and it was under contract within weeks.  We continued to pray for peace about Cleveland and it just didn't come....oh great we sold our house...what are we going to do now??????  Thus began our journey to this cabin.  Never in a million years did I think we would ever make this our permanent home.  We are our on a beautiful spot and I see wildlife and I hear the river at night....but we are in the middle of nowhere!!!  It's just Billy and I. Yes he is with me all of the time and yes he follows me everywhere and you know what?  It's been really good for us.  We drive each other a little crazy, but this how it all began.  Just the two of us.  I told him the other day that I feel like our lives just stopped and here we are alone and just really what are we doing?  He reminded me that God has a plan for us.  My mind and heart had lost it's focus and I am slowly rebuilding that relationship with Jesus.  Ladies we talk a lot about those masks we wear and believe you me I am really good at it.  I think ever since Billy was diagnosed with cancer I went into the "I got this" mode and I stayed there.  The Lord helps them who helps themselves...right???  Wrong that's not Biblical!!  In the months away  I have heard sermons from my son-in-law and my own son that have rocked my thinking about being in control.  My son spoke about how deep do you really want to go with Jesus?  I heard from our new pastor tonight (yes we are attending a new little church) about how self centered we are and that makes us a lot like the prodical son.  I think I am finally waking up and seeing how God has moved me to get my attention by stopping my whole world and taking me so far out of my comfort zone that I have to rely on him.  Oh I think he has plans for us and has ministry waiting on us..but I am seeing how much he yearns for my fellowship.  He has changed my whole world to make me seek his face.  I am special in his eyes and I had forgotten that.  Ladies that I love and miss so much hear my heart and realize how much our Father loves you and hears you and wants to love you intimately.  This is not punishment for me not flying straight. This is the love of the Father that desires my full attention because I am his daughter.  He is lifting my chin up that I may look into his face without shame.  I just get to do all of that surrounded by his beauty and with my best friend and love of my life.  I miss my friends and family  so very much and my heart aches at times for their smilng faces.  I miss my mother so very much.  I know there is purpose behind all of this and I am thankful that Jesus loves me enough to get my attention.  I promise my future blogs will be more often as I finally have time to think.  Hey it's 12:19 am...yikes...no wait I can sleep in.  

Sometimes You Just Have To Laugh

I just got back from a wonderful dinner with whom my husband calls "The Mob "  This group of ladies are sisters in Christ that I am honored to call friends.  We laugh together ( a lot ) we cry together and we absolutley pray together.  Tonight we laughed a lot. 
 My mom is in a nursing home and is suffering with Alzheimers disease.  My mom is 85 and she is lovely.  She still thinks it's important to put her make up on everyday and hates it when she doesn't remember to comb her hair.  She still likes creases in her slacks and won't wear a shirt if it looks wrinkled.  She is confined to a wheelchair but still insists ( on a good day ) to walk me out when I am leaving.  One of her biggest fears was that she would grow old and lose her mind and she never wanted to be a burden.  I wrote a couple of weeks ago that she was in the hospital and I really thought we were going to lose her.  Her weeks of recovery since then have been well hilarious.  We started back in a new room at the facility because I didn't have three hundred dollars a day to hold her room.  She stayed a total of 3 days in the new room and we had to move her because of bad care on that hall.  So we decided to move her back to her old room minus her window view.  Needless to say all of the above sent her mind in to orbit...literally!  I came in the first day back to check on her and she was flying on a plane.  She was flying on an international flight and she couldn't believe I was late.  She remained on that flight for 14 days.  She stayed in a lovely resort that my brother Jeff had stayed with her that night and she couldn't believe he had "wallered in that bed next to her and left it that way"  Well for those of you who know my mom she was not raised in the South and I have never heard her say "waller" in my life.  She also has been grinding her teeth which sends me into orbit and I told her on one of those flying days that she had to stop grinding her teeth and she poked me in the leg and said "well when you get me off this plane I will stop grinding my teeth"  I thought to myself I can't get you off this plane!  So I went home.  Her new roomate is Mary and she is 95.  I introduce myself to Mary everytime I visit and then I introduce her to my mom and my mom to her.  This is 3 times a week we do this.  I hear them exchange niceties and they both share their ages but this week my mom told Mary "you have asked me 85 times how old I am and I have told you 85 times I am 85!"  Then she leaned over to me and asked "now who is she?"  Last week some time I came in and checked with her nurse first to see how Mom was and Donna informed me "she has landed"  So suddenly the trip was over and she remembers nothing.  Hopefully you are chuckling....come on now you have to laugh.  Putting my mother in an institution was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Leaving her there every time I visit is awful.  Just knowing that her mind slips a little each week is heartbreaking, but God in all of his mercy and grace has given my mom adventures that she never got to experience.  She raised 4 kids instead and loved each one of us well.  She always wanted to travel and now she gets to.  She meets new people every day even though I know Mary sleeps in the same room.  She has conversations with her Dad and her grandma Momma Mae.  Last week she got in trouble for climbing Momma Mae's crab apple tree.  I asked her why she was climbing the crab apple tree and she said it made "Momma Mae crabby" he he.  One of my mom's best qualities is her laughter.  She doesn't laugh much anymore so to hear her humor is a blessing to me.  God has chosen to bless my mom with peace.  She is not afraid and not anxious.  She is always ready to go home to heaven.  She  thinks my Pastor has a little crush on her, but told me not to tell his wife.  We live in a fallen world but we have to find laughter in some of all of this chaos.  I imagine Jesus chose some of his disciples for their laughter.  My mom has been faithful in her walk with the Lord and he continues to be faithful to her by blessing her inspite of this disease with happy thoughts.  One of the sweetest times I have experieinced with my mom was over lunch in her room and she bowed to bless the food and prayed for what seemed like forever.  It was the sweetest prayer I have ever heard.  She mostly repeated "I love you Jesus and I know you love me"  He gives her what she needs to sustain her peace during these last days and he gives me laughter as I watch her become childlike in all she does.  She still ends all of her visits with me " I love you too honey" now thats still my mom in there.  I love you Mom so very much.  Can't wait to see you tomorrow.

"The Joy Of The Lord Is My Strength"

  It has been a full year! Wow I must admit this is pathetic.  A whole year since my last blog.   Many  ups and downs.  At times the downs seemed to be taking over.  We have survived prostate cancer and now diabetes II.  I told my husband the deal was you were not supposed to get sick this summer.  I absolutely forbid it!  So I guess I am still not in charge.  I think the  saddest part of my year was losing my high school friend Mary to the evil-C ( as she called it).  Mary and I reconnected on a classmate site.  It was so fun catching up and we continued to keep up with each other on FB.  I met Mary in the 8th grade.  I was new to this particular small MN town and she was nice to me within the 1st couple of weeks of school.  We lost contact for years and then poof Mary reentered my life.  I got to see her last May.  It was as if no time had passed at all.  We shared so many interests with the most important being our kids and grandkids.  I know she is with Jesus, but I miss her so.  We will meet again sweet friend.  Billy and I have had many ups and downs with our parents.  Most recently with my mom being in the hospital.  I really thought I was going to lose her.  She had some sort of wacko throat infection.  She was on a ventilator for 3 days.  Her heart stopped 3 times.  At her age of 85 they  will let them go when the heart stops.  Mom's heart just started beating on its own.  God is not finished with her yet.  All of this to say life is not easy and finding joy within all of the chaos is hard.  Billy and I were talking about where had our joy gone.  He mentioned "the joy of the Lord is our strength".  I pondered on that all day today.  I was putting all of my mother's things away after moving her to a new room.  I watched her sleep and really thought how does the joy of the Lord affect me?  I seem to lose it at the drop of a pin.  I eventually find it, but always the long way around.  Do I grow on those detours?  I don't think so.  They are my detours.  I choose a different path when I step away from joy. So in essence I am stepping away from the Lord who is my joy.  The key is my joy means nothing.  "The joy of the Lord is my strength."   I think he takes joy in me when I remain close to him and let him take care of me. Not my joy in the Lord, but the actual joy of the Lord.  I think the sweet name of Jesus is joy,  his presence in my life is joy.  I remember telling Mary a couple of months before she left this world that sometimes just saying the name of Jesus will give you that sweet peace.  She told me that she had done that many times when she was afraid or sad and it was working.  We can't work for joy He is joy!  I am praying that God will remind me of that daily.  God never moves it is always me.  I am so thankful he is true to his many promises. "The joy of the Lord is my strength"!   Now that's a good one.
You know I really do like blogging. 

Today is Sunday.  It has been a good day and a better day after spending time in God's house.  Sometimes it's good to listen to God's Word spoken out loud and of course to worship in song.  We settled in on God's promises for those who trust him as savior.  One particular verse stood out John 10:27-28  "My sheep listen to my voice: I know them and they follow me. vs 28 I give them eternal life and they will never perish.  No one can snatch them from me."  I love the fact that no one can snatch me from the Lord's hand.  I so often feel like I am getting sucked into this vacuum that we call the world.  It's like one of the modern vacuum's.  We spin round and round and we continue to collect the dust of this world. I feel like I am stuck and will never get out.  Well that is wrong thinking .  The Lord says no one can snatch me from his hand.  I might jump into that vacuum all by myself,  but God never  lets go of me.  The key is to listen to the shepherd's voice and follow him.  I think I tune out that voice at times and miss God's whole purpose for me.  I used to tell my kids you hear what you want to.  I think I do that a lot.  I get lazy and afraid and I think I know a better way and alas I fail.  This summer has been really hard and it has been hard to listen to the shepherd.  I know he loves us and wants his perfect plan to be executed in our lives.  We are trying to follow him, but his voice gets muffled with other voices and opinions and of course our ideas.  He is the good shepherd and he has given me eternal life and I will not perish.  That just has to be enough sometimes.  I think knowing I will spend eternity with him, in his actual presence is more than I can fathom.  This life really is a vapor and this summer is like a drip in the vast ocean of eternity.  My prayer is that I listen for His voice.....I know his voice because I am his.  Lord teach me to block out the enemy and hear you loud and clear.
My sweet baby Molly is on a missions trip to the Dominican Republic.  She sent me a video of the bathroom..random...no her Daddy asked about the bathrooms.....a Daddy's girl all the way.  What a wonderful way to end my day seeing my sweet girl's face.  I don't care how old they get when they are out of the country they stay on my mind and in my prayers.  I am so proud of the woman she has become.  I am praying she and her husband Dan grow in Christ during this trip.  My kids have truly become followers of the Shepherd.  They hear his voice and follow him.  What a blessing.  God is so good.

Life Does Move On

I have had so many thoughts mulling around I just had to put some of them to paper or in this case the computer.
I am not sure if it is my age or the age we live in that life just seems to keep going no matter what. I remember as a teen I thought the world would come to a stand still every time I had a crisis.  Every time  we moved to a new place  seemed like time stood still.  Every thought revolved around " I can't wait until...,"  Now I find myself saying " I wish I could have..." or "I just blinked and it was over"  I was reminded tonight how life keeps going even when we can't breathe.
A dear friend of ours from church slipped into eternity early Sunday morning.  We had all been praying for God's perfect will for our brother Terry.  Of course our desire was that he would be healed.  God in all of His sovereignty brought Terry directly into the presence of Jesus on Sunday morning.  We arrived at church to hear the bittersweet news that our brother had gone home.  I just stood there and thought " "wait I am not ready for this".  I knew his sweet wife wasn't ready for that or his sisters or his children.  I wanted time to reverse so I could have prayed more or said more..., The list goes on.  Time moved forward from that moment on.  Life didn't stop for his family to catch their breath.  We went to the viewing tonight and we brought my father-in-law with us and he brought  along his lady friend (Boy has life moved on). The church was packed and I just watched as people went through the line and smiled and hugged and wept along with Terry's family.  A little over a year ago we were at my mother-in-law's viewing I was in that line.  It was such a hard day and the following day was even harder as we put her body to rest.  My friend Cindy hugged me and I said "this is so hard".  Time seemed to stand still that night.  Tonight as I hugged my dear friend Brenda who was Terry's middle sister ( I am a middle sister too) she said "this is so hard".  She also said tomorrow was going to be hard and I said"yes it will be really hard".  "That is why we are praying so diligently "  It was at that moment I thought "life kept going".  We have come full circle from last summer.  Death does not stop life from moving on and sometimes it just seems like it should.  I want Ellen and Brenda and the rest of the family to catch their breath and wait a minute to soak in all that has happened.  When my husband was diagnosed with cancer I wanted to sit down and not get up.  I wanted time to catch my breath.  That didn't happen.  Surgery and now 5 weeks post surgery we are beginning to catch our breath.  Life all around us keeps moving.  Our brother Terry lived his life as if tomorrow might not come.  His life was a testimony to Christ until the end.  He glorified God all through his illness.  I know  the verse in 2 Corinthians 12:8 says ..."My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness". Terry lived that out loud even when he felt horrible.  I am praying for the family that they know His Grace is all they need.  His power will hold them up tomorrow and the next day and the next.  Life will keep going but His promises will sustain them.  We are praying dear sisters.  Love you so much!

Post Surgery and Then Some!

Well it is 3:24 in the afternoon and I have stolen away to write a few thoughts.  My hubby is fast asleep taking a much needed nap.  He is recovering from prostate surgery.  He has been a super good sport and I have grown so accustomed to his foley catheter bag I find myself double checking if he has it by his side.  I usually get pretty squeamish about such things,but the Lord has given me extra strength.  We are having our devotions in the mornings.  We are doing a study all about God's promises.  It's been fun to study together.  The pathology report was not exactly what we had hoped for.  They think they got it all,but oh yeah there is one corner of the margin that showed cancer cells..whatever...I need truth right up front.  We have to wait another 6 weeks to find out the real truth and we might be looking at radiation after that.  It truly is in God's hands.  Last year at this time we were recovering emotionally from my mother-law's death and I remember Billy saying life is forever changing.  He said who knows what next year will bring..wow was that an understatement or what.  I hated the word cancer last year and I hate it now.  I am learning to rely on God's presence in my life and the fact that he will not leave me hanging in this trial.  It's funny how Billy is the one with cancer,but I swan nee I feel like someone punched me in the stomach because I can't breathe at times.  I look at him resting and all that lies ahead and I panic.  I also know that God is NOT the author of fear and fear is a lack of faith.  In Deuteronomy 31:8  it says "It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you: he will not leave or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.  I am standing on that promise and I really do take comfort in that.
I had the privilege of taking care of my granddaughter Rylie and my grandson Hudson a week before Billy's surgery.  Wow now that was fun!  God's timing is always so perfect.  He knows when you need joy you can actually hold onto.  We will see them soon and my daughter Molly and her family are coming tomorrow.  Family really sets things right in so many ways.
My final thought is this "Lord make me a willing servant"  I am learning this everyday as I care for my husband.  I don't say that lightly.  I am finding out that when he is at work all day I really do what I want as far as my schedule goes.  I mean really who talks a mile a minute at 6:30 am with a bowl of cereal waiting.  I am still trying to measure my coffee.  Who eats at 11:00 am for lunch??  I guess when you eat at 6:30 am that makes sense.  Who watches Gunsmoke 12 hours a day???  I am starting to really like Chester!  I love my husband and I have always thought I was a pretty good helpmate,but I am finding that my servant hood is lacking.  Every time I get a little attitude I am reminded "Kelley be a loving servant"  I know God is using this part of this adventure to teach me that.  God is good all of the time even through prostate cancer.
Thank you all of my dear sisters who are praying for us.  My prayers are running deep for a friend who's husband is really sick.  God is good all of the time... life stuff is not good but, God is!

What Next???

All I can say is " I SWANEE ".  Just when I think my life might be slowing down a little...here we go again.  First of all my husband's scans all came back normal so we are looking toward surgery sometime in June.  We now have a plan and are moving forward.  When we went to the cancer center to talk with  the radiology oncologist I had to wait while they took Billy back.  I sat there and looked around at so many sick people.  Some with no hair, some in wheel chairs and some that looked so sick.  I thought wow we are really in the cancer world now.  I told the Lord I don't really want to be here.  I think I have learned something from all of this so I want Billy to be cancer free right now.  The Lord keeps reminding me that His ways are not mine so I sit back and rest in that.  So many things are getting ready to change in our lives.  I am trying really hard to find comfort in His word and looking for His face in all of this.  Psalm 34: 8 "  Taste and see that the Lord is good.  Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him."  I want to live by that.  I want my refuge to be in him.
My mom was re-admitted to the hospital last night.  That's the " I Swanee part ".  She went in on Memorial Day and was released Thursday only to be admitted in the wee hours of Saturday morning .  Monday her heart rate was 40 and Friday her heart rate was 135.  My mom is calm and has always been regal in every way.  Last night I watched as she thrashed all over the bed agitated and out of her mind.  She was so sick.  I prayed more than once " Lord what is the purpose in all of this?  Take her home."  I had to rest in him again and know that we live in a  fallen world and he doesn't like to see her suffer anymore than I do.  My mom loves the Lord with all of her heart.  She is ready to go...but again he always has purpose in all he does.  How did life get so tough.  I am reminded of Peter in the boat during the storm and as Jesus approached he didn't hesitate to step out onto the water as Jesus was walking on the water and calling to him.  He stepped out bravely and began to walk and then looked down at the swirling sea below him and began to fear and sink.  I know I am in the midst of a stormy sea and that I am trying to step out bravely into it.....my resolve is to keep my eyes on the Savior and not sink.  The enemy continues to throw out false life savers...I have to keep my eyes on the Savior!  He tells me as He told Peter " Don't be afraid. " " Take courage I am here!"  Lord thank you for all of the good you place in my life and all of the bad.  I am taking courage because I know you are here.  Thanks to my sisters who have been praying for me so diligently.  Love you all

God Is In Control

Wow what a week!  So many changes coming our way in the upcoming months.  First things first.  My husband was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer a couple of weeks ago.  We have been told by more people that if you have to get cancer this is the best one.  I am thinking REALLY???  The best kind of cancer in NO CANCER!  People really do mean well and I was actually believing some of that.  We had a biopsy done and found out it is more invasive then we thought.  We have two options surgery or radiation therapy.  We are heading toward the surgery most likely.  Now for those of you who understand what the prostate does you will know and understand that our lives are getting ready to change. My husband has always been super healthy so this is totally hard for him just to face surgery and all that it entails let alone learning to live life without a prostate.  Through all of this my husband knows God has a plan and this did not take him by surprise.  He believes that God will be glorified through this.  I am too in agreement however; I don't always stay focused on those promises.  I think as a woman I need to bask in all the emotional upheaval that the word CANCER brings.  My friend Ellen's husband has cancer too and his struggle is hard and scary.  Her husband has become the face of God in many ways throughout his journey.  He chooses to know God is in control and lives his life in Christ with such confidence.  Ellen and I were discussing cancer stuff tonight and I realized we are in the wives cancer club ( a club neither one of us chose) but here just the same.  When her husband was diagnosed last year I was so sad and scared for them both and they remain in my prayers it's just so strange that we are walking this trail together.  My husband has scans next week that will show whether or not this cancer has spread to anywhere else in his body.  It's right there haunting me..but I am not scared...just ready to get on with it....God you are in control!!! 
 Which brings me to a new discussion.  As I have read over and over in the last weeks how prostate cancer is silent, no symptoms, no real sign of trouble until it has begun to work it's destruction with in the body and we will know next week just far it has eaten away at new cells or has stayed within the prostate.   I have decided sin works just like cancer.  It starts quietly and can go on forever undetected and all the while it eats away at who we are and the people we love.  If not treated in continues it's destructive path and the fall out goes on and on and on and it will eventually kill who we are in Christ or reveals that maybe we were never really in Christ to begin with.  That last part will bring eternal life alone without Christ at all.  I watched in such sadness tonight what a life time of sin produces and how it scars and continues to reopen all of those old wounds that seem to never heal...because the sin continues on.  It has been detected all right but it continues to grow and the fallout seems never-ending .  I want God to step in and make this better...but it seems He is not hearing my dear friend's cries.  All the while I know He hears her cries and sees her every tear and I know one day He will set all things right.  She needs to know God as her protector and her saviour in motion today and tomorrow and the upcoming days.  The sin I am talking about was not hers but fallout sin from one that was supposed to love and cherish her forever.  He chose sin and it continues to eat away at at the good things in her life. We were talking the other day about God's pillar going behind the Israelites and covering Pharaoh's army in darkness,but continuing to give light to the Israelites.  They were about to see The Red Sea be parted in other words God's mighty hand was getting ready to produce a miracle just for them so they could see who God really is.  I believe with all of my heart that God's word is true and He is the "I AM"  today as he was in the Old Testament.  He is bigger than fallout from any ones sin.  I am praying just as I need to stay focused on who God is through this cancer journey that my friend will stay focused on The "I AM" .  The enemy remains in the darkness but you and I friend are in the light waiting to see God work a Red Sea miracle.  I have no clue how that will look, but I know " he is able to keep us from falling" and He never let's go of our hands.  Love you friend and know that I am praying for you.  Just so this is not too sappy....I know you really are jealous of my way cool cat book bag.  Be honest...you want to have it!!!

God Really Meets Our Needs

Can you believe it?  Posting 2 days in a row..I must be sick.  Just a quick praise.  On Mother's Day it is really hard not being able to hug your kids.  I have been sick all weekend so I did not make this morning's church service.  It is always about moms and I watch all the moms and daughters hanging out and going to lunch together.  To be honest I am always happy for those people, but at the same time I get sad....so I was glad to be sick this morning.  I also was up late last night and happened to chat with an old friend that just happens to be married to the worship leader at my daughter's church. It was so random that we were on line at the same time.  I had been a little worried about my daughter as she was entertaining in-laws and I know she misses her Mama on those occasions.  I was elated to see Carmela online and made a beeline to get her a message.  I asked her if she was in town and she said yes so I asked her to please give my baby girl the biggest hug ever and tell her that her Mama loves her so much.  I was so excited at the prospect of me giving her a hug that she could actually feel.  I thought God you are so good and you saw my need and made it happen.  Little did I know that when Carmela gave her that hug and explained how random it was that we chatted on line that Molly just cried.  Apparently she needed that hug as badly as I needed to give it.  God is so good and he cares about all things in our lives.  He knows the unspoken heartfelt needs of a mama and her daughter that are states apart.  I love you Lord!  Thank-you for meeting that need.

My Mommy Always You Will Be

Many of you may recognize the phrase in my title.  This came from a book my sister gave me years ago to read with my one and only son Paul.  We were struggling a little at that time.  Paul was wanting to grow up and I was holding on a little too tight.  I got the book in the mail and my sister instructed me to go in right away to a quiet room just me and Paul and read the book together.  The book encourages you to make up a tune to some of the lyrics and we did.  We read it all the way through and of course I was crying my eyes out by the last page.  Paul and I continue to sign our cards to each other with that phrase and many times during his growing up years he would bring the book in to me and we would read together when we were having a rough patch.  Now don't get me wrong I love all of my children,but this year I am going to dive in on raising a baby boy all the way up to him becoming a man.  On the night that Paul was born I remember them bringing him in to me late in the night for his first feeding.  I was startled when I first saw that black haired chubby baby.  He was screaming and he had scratches on his face and long black hair that already needed a trim.  I held him close and tried to nurse him for the very first time and he was not having any of it.  Mad and screaming I was at a loss.  Then I laid him on the bed and really looked at him.  Checked all his fingers and toes and from one inch to the other amazed that he was mine.  Paul was my first child and my only boy.  I thanked Jesus for him right away and I just picked him up and talked to him and finally he stopped crying and listened to my voice so intently.  I prayed that God would use him and that he would already begin to prepare his future wife.  I gave him to the Lord that night in the quiet of my room.  He finally ate and nestled right down and we fell asleep together.  Little did I know that I was going to need all of that sleep and more.  Paul was colic for 4 long months.  He took 30 minutes to eat was happy for 30 more minutes and cried for the next 3 hours until it was time to eat again.  I remember watching him cry and just feeling so helpless that I couldn't fix it.  I never got angry or wanted to throw him out the window like I have heard some mothers say.  I just loved him right through it.  He was mine and I was thrilled.  The bond that a mama and her baby boy have is unexplainable.  We were a lot a like and we butted heads many times because of it..."His mommy always I would be" remained true.  The last time I really felt like his mama was when he broke his leg two weeks before his wedding.  He was really sick with a temperature and he called me and asked if I could come down.  I was out the door within a few hours and down we drove three and half hours.  I walked in and met his fiance' at the door.  She was trying so hard to do everything right.  I walked into my son's room and the look on his face was one I will treasure forever.  He needed his mommy one more time and I was thrilled.  I knew as I was passing that baton to my wonderful daughter in law Lorie by explaining why Paul won't eat Ritz crackers when he is sick and why he only drinks  7-up I was indeed losing my boy in a whole new way.  It hurt when he went away to college but this was different.  He was walking away from me to the woman of his dreams and I knew my boy was all grown up and now a man.  There was never a regret.  I prayed for Lorie the night Paul was born and I knew this was God's plan.  Paul and Lorie have been married for nine years ( I think ).  My son is a pastor and a father of 2 children.  He has grown into a man of God that I admire and respect.  Just when I am feeling sorry for myself because  all of my kids are out of town I open up the card my son sent me for Mother's Day.  It is a hour before Mother's Day is officially here.  It is quiet my husband is already asleep.  I love the cards from my son because I know he looks for these himself.  So I begin to read and get to the last sentence and it says " I'll never outgrow you Mom"  I love my boy and am so thankful  that God chose me to be his Mama.   What a privilege it is to be a mom.  Paul Jacob you are special to me and Your Mommy Always I'll Be! 

Where Does My Peace Come From?

Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted any of my thoughts to this blog.  As I was reading my friend Cindy's blog I came to the question " Where Does My Peace Come From?"  We are both in a circle of friends that go way back.  Within that circle of friends we have watched many of our friends going through crisis.  At my friend Tracy's mother's funeral I connected with another friend Katie who was getting ready for the birth of a new grandson.  We both laughed at how fun grand babies were and her daughter was due anytime.  Her grandson was born several days ago only to go home to be with the Lord just a few days later.  Where does our peace come from.  My heart is broken for my friend and her daughter.  I remember changing that daughter's diaper many a time.  As Katie's family was reeling from this tragedy she called another friend to come over and minister to her daughter.  That friend lost her son many years ago.  We raised our children together.  Where does our peace come from?  I am in such a quandary as I grow older with each and every day as to why all these things happen.  When my friend lost her son those many years ago in a horrible accident I remember being so angry at God for the way that child had to be taken. I sat many days with my friend with not a word spoken.  I had no words that would even begin to seem appropriate. I remember her quiet grieving but more so I watched her incredible peace.  She seemed to be washed in it.  Did she cry? Yes Was she broken hearted? Yes  Would her world be forever changed? Yes...but she had such peace.  I don't think I ever told her how much my walk with Christ changed watching her bask in that peace.  Where does our peace come from?  It comes from the life giver, the lover of my soul, the one who gave his very life for me.  All of the friends I have mentioned, we have life strings tied to each other as we raised our kids together,grew up together, and have kept that common bond that only Christ can give to his body of believers.  Life will continue on...on these hard days I pray for peace for my friends.  I want them to be washed in it.....Christ will return and every tear will be washed away but until that day His promise of peace will sustain us.  I am choosing to believe this very promise for my friends as God sings over them in sweet sweet love.  Tracy....praying for you.

Forever Reaching

Well it has been a 102 for the last 2 days and promises to be as hot tomorrow.  My friend Cindy lives for this heat.  I on the other hand have not suffered heat stroke and realize too much of a good thing is too much!!! I can only take off so many clothes.

Oh well on to the meat of my blog.  I was looking at a picture of my granddaughter Rylie today.  This picture is of her and her Daddy at a local science center.  She has cerebral palsy and my son Paul was holding her and introducing her to a resident goat.  In the picture you can see that he has to hold her hand in the direction of the goat so she can pet him.  Rylie is forever reaching but because of her CP she doesn't always reach in the right direction.  She amazes me that she is always trying with the hope that her muscles will cooperate and get her to what she wants.  I know God uses her in my life so often and just a glimpse of this picture makes me wonder as to what am I Forever Reaching for?  I reach for material things as we all do, I reach for food more than I like to admit, I reach for my husband and all that he has to offer and I reach for God.  Now as to what order I do that in is what I need to get straightened out.  Obviously I need to reach for God first..it is the right Christian answer...but in reality I don't always.  Oh I am reaching alright all the time for something just not in the direction God would have me to.  I  know the Holy Spirit is constantly trying to point me in the right direction, but in my stubbornness I fight back and reach for the wrong thing.  My son Paul has the patience of Job and will work with Rylie until the goats come home and only finds joy as Rylie touches that goat and laughs her good ole belly laugh.  Her muscles fight all the way and then immediately relax as she feels that funny fur.  She has found the object of her searching and all of her efforts are rewarded, but she had to yield to her Daddy's firm but loving hand as he helped her.  I want to be just like that with my heavenly father.  I want to reach for things that will bring him glory and will result in me finding that perfect resting place and peace and when I don't reach in the right direction I want him to firmly direct me in the way that he wants me to go.  I have a dear friend that I have been praying for because her husband was diagnosed with cancer.  We prayed for her tonight as her husband goes in for an MRI of his brain tomorrow.  She admitted she was a little anxious of the outcome and when asked how her husband was doing she smiled and said great.  He is holding us all up.  Her husband I think has been reaching in the right direction for a long time  and now it is second nature for him to continue to reach for God and it is obvious that he has found that resting place of peace.  Are his circumstances hard?  Yep..does he stop reaching nope....amazing how God trusts his saints with  hard journeys  only to have others encouraged.  I want to be" Forever Reaching" towards my Heavenly Father simply because He reached for me first..He inclines his ear to me as I cry out to him.  Thank you God for my sweet Rylie just the way she is.  Thank you for true men of God that when in crisis only build up and encourage others.  God be with you both tomorrow and I will be praying!

Just What Am I doing?

Apathy..hmm a word that really is a kill joy in every arena.   Webster defines it as: lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm.  So when we put apathetic in the same sentence with Christianity we automatically have a problem.  I have heard sermon after sermon on being an apathetic Christian and yet I still fall prey to that behavior on a regular basis.  I am hear today to write out loud as to why I think I am a chronic apathetic Christian.  Wow that was a big admission for you all to read.  We all deal with it and yet we can't seem to (as Bob Newhart puts it) "just stop it".  I am doing a Bible study this summer titled "The Well".  It's basic idea is that we all have holes that we gather water from but we don't draw from the Well himself  Jesus Christ.  I have a had a lack of interest in this study even though I know I need it and I can grow from it.  This weeks chapter deals with the hole of control.  Now don't get me wrong I love control, but I don't thrive on it like I used to.  The older I get I realize how little control I have or even want... so I realized today that I have the control to open the book and read the scripture Acts 27 along with the chapter.  Acts 27 deals with Paul becoming shipwrecked on his way to Rome for his trial.  He is sailing as a prisoner.  He gives advise to the captain of the ship to stay at port in Crete or we will shipwreck and lose all of our cargo...the captain does not listen and they indeed become shipwrecked on a small island.  The chapter is a blow by blow  description of the storm.  As I read this story I think Paul had every right to be apathetic on this journey.  He was most likely headed to a death sentence.  Not Paul...he was living the adventure by caring for other captives and his captors.  He was calm but not apathetic.....He knew who was in control and never once did he  focus on himself.  So just what am I doing????  I am apathetic because the focus remains on me!!!!!!!  I mope around and think about me and me and some more of me.  I really need to realize that I am headed toward Heaven with each day and that is not a death sentence, but a life sentence...eternal life with Christ...how can I lose interest in that...A little bit of truth....painful huh????  I  live through storms and just everyday life can get old, but when I learn to take the focus off myself and put it on the Well himself I suddenly gain purpose again..I never really lose purpose I just lose sight of it when the mirror of life shows only my reflection.  When I am stuck in front of a mirror all day I am completely non productive...so I am going to start breaking some mirrors around here and get busy about my Father's business.  My baby Molly just called me and was enjoying her babies sitting outside in the sun and was missing me...I miss her too everyday.  What a lovely picture for me to think on for the rest of the day.  Thank you Lord your timing is always perfect...I am officially declaring war on apathy within me and my house....get behind me Satan!!!

Life Is Full OF Changes

Wow it has been a long couple of months.  Every time I look at this blog site I get mad at myself for not being more faithful to it.  Oh well....I will proceed.  We buried my mother-in-law Faye last week.  She was diagnosed with stage 4B pancreatic cancer and was given 6 months to live.  She elected for no treatment.  In her 80 years of life wisdom took the lead and her heart strings to this earthly life were severed as she made her way to the Savior's arms in 4 short weeks.  We were all devastated at the diagnoses.  My husband called me early on a Wed. morning to tell me the news and I cried for what seemed forever and then I began the process of calling each one of my children to tell them the news.  We were all so sad.  We went to visit Faye that evening to see this frail woman stand up and give each one of us a hug and tell us she was at peace,she was ready to go,and she was taking no treatment.  We all sat back and took the moment in.  I began to think our lives were going to change drastically in the next fews months.  I looked at my dear father-law who has been a father to me in the last 32 years and thought he was losing his mate of 61 years and his life was never going to be the same.  I looked at my husband and thought his life was going to be different without his mama of 58 years and myself I thought wow it is really happening our parents are leaving this world.  The next 4 weeks were spent trying to spend as much time with Faye as we could and then taking care of her as her body began to fail.  I deemed it a huge privilege to be a part of her care taking in those last days.  My dad died of cancer 12 years ago and I lived out of state and was not a big part of that.  This was all together different.  Watching life slip away from a person creates a lot of soul searching.  I had to face my faith head on and know that I know that Jesus death on the cross provides a safe passage for those who believe in him and trust him wholly.  Faye knew the savior and was ready to meet him.  The last day I spent with her she slept most of the day.  She slept right through a bath and a hair wash that ended with a bad blown dried look.  I kept thinking she would hate her hair like this.  She began to slip so quickly that day and when I kissed her cheek and told her I loved her and said good bye I knew it would be the last time.  I felt she already had one foot in Heaven.  She slipped into the presence of God the next morning at 9:30.  My husband called to say " she has stopped breathing"  he didn't say she died or she is dead..just that she has stopped breathing.  Her earthly body had stopped but as she opened her eyes she saw Jesus.  Death is no victor for the child of the King.  I know our lives had begun the change.  No more Christmas dinners with Faye, no more flea market trips with my best antique buddy in the world, no more scrabble games (that I always lost), no more anything with Faye.  For those of you who know me I love new things and a new adventure, but this is one time I am not looking forward to the changes her home going brings.  My father-law Bill said yesterday that life moves on.  We will miss her but she is no longer in pain and sick...so life does move on.  To what?  I think it is the fact is that we all face mortality and when we lose a loved one it only magnifies the fact.  I want Fayes's home going to change my life for the positive.  She was a woman who told you pretty straight up just about everything.  She would be the first to say move on and find something good to think about.  So I will.  Simply put I will choose to take the best of my memories of Faye and put them to work in a positive way.  One that will lead others to Christ.  She would smile at that and say "Kelley get over it and get on with it"  So I will...love you Faye!

Patience..here we go again

Patient is a word I have always loathed.  As I get older I realize maybe I have more of that then I thought.  My nature has always been pretty easy going.  I used to have to share a room with either of my sisters because I always got along with everyone.  I am the middle child and the old motto "there is always tomorrow"  has been my motto.  I can wait for a parking space, I can wait for the person in line without any trouble, but I have been thinking that waiting on the Lord is the hardest.  I am impatient for an answer and just how things are going to look in 2 years.  Of course any wise Christian woman knows that God's timing is everything.  His timing is always right, but not always easy to wait on.  We learned in our Bible study on James that we always have trying times in-between the rains.  Farmers wait on autumn rains and springs rains according to James 5:7-11.  it becomes so clear that we all have to wait until the rain appears.  We know it's coming but we get impatient and then we usually stray in some way from God's loving arms to venture out into the dry fields that bring no fruit.  In other words we dry up spiritually when all we do is tap our fingers waiting for God to move on our time.  Impatience brings depression into my life in a heartbeat.  Impatience causes me to doubt God's love and care for me.  Waiting on the Lord could be really productive if I let it be.  Beth Moore encouraged us to use those dry times to speak truth into others lives.  God always has a plan but I have to learn that in order to wait means being still and knowing that he is God.  Not lifeless but quiet in spirit resting before him.  I have also learned that God does not always move in my direction he sits and waits for me to be quiet and then He shares the direction I need to go...not always the whole plan but a direction.  The sweet little girl I keep during the week has really brought that home to me this week.  She is a busy little thing and has decided that every time she wants to go in a new direction she comes and grabs my hand and says "mon mon".  I find myself getting up at her every direction change (she is just so darn cute).  Today I decided we needed to work on being patient that Lita can't get up every time Piper wants to move.  She actually is learning to be patient and reoccupying herself with something until I go in a direction.  I had such a mental picture today of the Lord sitting before me and I running to him and and grabbing  his hand and saying "come on Lord let's go this way"  and he gently tells me "Kelley wait on me to get up and show you where to go and I will hold your hand as we go.  The fun part of walking with Piper is her little hand in mine and her complete trust that I will guide her to a place of fun (usually) but always feeling safe as we go.  I picture my hand in the Lords hand and I find myself trusting his direction and always feeling safe.  The trick is waiting on him to move in a  direction and the real test is learning to reoccupy myself with something that will continue to bring him glory and further the kingdom until I feel his hand leading me.  Now Piper has not mastered all of this she still is impatient and she still is set on always pointing to the place she wants to go.  God is so awesome that he allows me to keep this sweet baby and learn so much from her little self.  I am learning to wait on the rains this week. It has been a very trying week and I forgot to wait on the Lord and I let go of his hand and went in my own direction....tonight I know I once again have a hold of his hand and I am confident in his leading and oh how he loves me so even when I stomp my feet and say "mon mon" just like when I look down at that sweet face of Piper and think oh how I love her so when she stomps those little feet of impatience .  Wow what we learn from the people God sets in our life!  Sweet Pipey!

I am one week away from being 53 ahhhhhh!!!!

Wow what a title huh?  I am soon to be 53.  I always ponder over my life about this same time every February.  My February always begins with remembering  my Dad's birthday which landed on the 5th.  I woke up that day wishing my Daddy a happy birthday and also wondering if we still will do that in heaven..you know have a birthday cake and all that stuff or will the time we spend there just get swallowed up because we will be there forever...hmmmm such things to think about.  I know when Valentines Day rolls around I am close to turning another year older..then on the 24th I wish my Grandpa Kullman a happy birthday and always cry because I still miss him after all these years.  What an impact that man left on my life.  He was a safe haven for me and I felt totally loved unconditionally by him.  On my 16th birthday he called me and asked when the date was going to be.  I sat and thought okay what am I missing?  He proceeded to tell me that when I was 5 years old I told him I was going to marry him when I turned 16...he still remembered and what another endearing memory he created for me that day.  I want to be a endearing memory creator.  I miss a lot of opportunities to spend with my grand kids and it always makes me sad.  I have been reorganizing my photos on my new computer and I have gone over hundreds of pictures of all the times I have spent with my babies and the wonderful memories we have created.  A week here and there have been precious times and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  As I thought about my grandfather I realized  we only saw them once a year and he was my favorite person.  He was able to cram all the fun and love into about 2 weeks of memories  and I never forgot them.  Just random thoughts..no sadness of my upcoming birthday just a huge appreciation for what God has given me and that the plans he has for me are not to harm me.  He loves me more than I will ever understand on this side of heaven.  I know when I see his face everything will become clear and that his love that runs so deep will be there for me to see for an eternity.   A few random things I have learned in this past year is that when you are trying to decide if it's an or a the an always come before a word that starts with a vowel.  That if you feed a baby peas and pintos all in one day the next day you are really going to regret it.  That I really don't like my animals as much as I thought I did.  Most importantly that prayer is vital in my walk with Jesus.  God taught me that lesson over and over again when my son was waiting to hear from a new church pastor position.  I prayed Lord help my unbelief and prayed with faith knowing he would get that position. He has been there almost 3 months and God is faithful.  Maybe I should finish this tomorrow I am sleep typing and it shows.  I am backkkkkk.  Well it doesn't look as bad I thought it would.  I am not sure why the urge to blog always hits me at 11:30 at night.  I also learned that a shrew is a real live little animal that my daughter-in-law caught in a mouse trap last spring.  I had to research that little guys face to figure out that is wasn't a mutant mouse.  My biggest desire every year is to see what kind of growth I have had in the Lord since last birthday.  We had lots of changes this last year and I really had to look to the Lord for insight and wisdom in each situation.  He proves over and over  again that He is faithful!  Even when I don't trust him for the answers and hobble on my own he continues to be faithful.  What an awesome God we serve.  Ladies I would be lying if I acted as though there have not been dry times in my walk this year.  There have been and I know that as he heard Hagar's cries in the desert he hears mine if I only call out to him.  I am finally learning to call out to him on a regular basis.  He yearns to hear my voice.  He is my knight in shining armor!  As I finally get to an end with this pocketful of random thoughts I learned last night that we are to be little moons.  The moon actually reflects light from the sun and we are to reflect the light of who Jesus really is..in other words we are to be little moons that reflect the light of the SON to a dark world.  I really want to be a moon this next year!!!  Thank you Jesus for who you are and that you love me so.  One final thought I have been reminded many times this year that when I have an urge to tell the Lord "I love you"  it's because He said it first.  Cool huh?

In The Little Things

I am back...sorry such a long  time away.  Sometimes my thoughts are most enjoyed internally.  I am realizing that to blog is a good thing.  I have been reading past blogs from my other friends that I haven't read in a while.  My friend Tracy's blog stands out the most.  We both have a friend that is battling cancer.  I am actually a closer friend to Myra's older sister.  I am so sad just the same that Myra is so sick.  Myra was always the  little squirt for years.  She has blossomed into this awesome woman of God and realized her calling as a pastor and followed through.  She was a spitfire as a girl and remains that to this day.  I was reminded a few weeks ago the memory my daughter Molly has of Myra and her husband watching them for a weekend for us years ago.  She said her brother Paul and her were afraid to sleep by themselves in the living room so Myra and Gray had a slumber party in the living room all together. Molly never forgot that and because of that one moment in time Myra earned the right to minister into my daughter's life.  I came away from that conversation with the thought of how many big moments have I created with people in doing just the little things?  I believe God does not always trust us with the big things unless we learn how to handle the little things He has predestined for us to do.  The works He prepared for Myra to do were set before she was born.  She was faithful in setting up a slumber party for my frightened little daughter and boom it automatically opened up a new door of ministry with Molly.  Molly is grown with children of her own and has not seen Myra in years but has been experiencing Myra's illness through my phone calls.  Myra  has continued to teach Molly how God never leaves us.  Oh Lord teach us not to miss the little opportunities that will lead us to bigger opportunities for God.  Continue the good fight sweet sister Myra you are not alone!  

In The Valley

Well I am here..Can you believe it??  I don't really need a answer.  I am glad to report I am alive and well and I have actually missed the blogging craze.

You may think the title of my blog will include this huge valley I have been in and how I have managed to survive.  I have not been in a valley but I have been a pit dweller ever since my trip to MT.  The trip was great and I loved every minute with my family and my husband's week of teaching was great.  Thank the Lord 12 kids accepted Jesus as their Lord and Saviour.  The pit dwelling came before we left.  I didn't realize until today that I was actually pit dwelling instead of being in a valley.  The Friday we left for MT my husband's work van was stolen right out of our driveway.  The van was recovered a few hours later without my husband's tools.  Every last one was gone.  Thirty years of adding to and collecting for his livelihood gone...Hmm really Lord right on the day we are to leave for MT (a trip involving ministry)???  I am not getting it at the moment.  We move forward to Friday afternoon and as I am checking in for our flight for the early am I have encountered a huge snag....YOUR FLIGHT HAS BEEN CANCELED...CONTACT THE AIRLINES....really Lord... a hail storm in Denver...49 planes damaged...10 days out with flights...the second scoop of the shovel into my pit.  As I was waiting on hold for 1 1/2 to find out what we could do about our flight I begin to pray....Lord I can deal with the flight and I can even deal with the possibility of not going to MT...but the stolen van is hard to deal with.  As I am waiting for the super nice airline rep. to find a solution to our dilemma I begin to see the Lord working things out and I feel peace that we will get to MT in a timely manner.  Frontier airline reps are the best.  I shelved the stolen van incident for another day.  The enemy continued to fire darts at us all week and we weathered all of that ( that is a story for another day).  A week later as we were traveling home I began to think of all that was waiting for us at home...mainly things to do with the van.  I also began to sense a new fear creeping in ever so quietly.  I was so bent on this becoming a valley that Lord would walk me through...problem is I stopped walking...I got stuck.  You know feeling sorry for us and being afraid to go home.  My friend Cindy prayed for me one night for protection and to come against that spirit of fear...it worked for a little bit..until I decided to go deeper into the pit and rely on me instead of Him.  Our Pastor is doing a series on Psalm 23.  We were on vs 4..you know "though I walk through the valley...,  I won't be afraid...your rod and staff comfort me..."  I thought boy I have been in a valley...whew glad the Lord showed me that.....no the Lord showed me I have not been walking I have laid down and acted like I was finished.  I have not allowed his rod and staff to comfort me.  I have not allowed his presence to give me comfort..I have been hanging out in the pit.  The epiphany I had was when Pastor said there is always a valley in between two mountains.  It's in the valleys that we gain strength to get to the next mountain top.  I have been leaving out the moving part of the verse.  I am so thankful I have a Pastor that allows the Lord to put motion to the Word.  I appreciate the challenge God's Word provides in my life to keep me moving.  Don't get me wrong..I have not been depressed, but I have been just kind of walking in a fog...not really seeing all that God has been trying to teach me.  I also read in I Peter that the trials only last for  awhile and then He restores us... Restore now there's a word of hope... I have a lot of friends and family that have been in deep valleys and are trying to move through.  There is that mountain on the other side.  I think we only think we see Jesus on the mountain like Moses...but Jesus never leaves or forsakes us and that means in the valleys and the pits ladies.  God does not give us a shovel to dig a pit,but he gives us His hand to lead us through the valley...Being in the House Of The Lord has been awesome today and I am thankful for the valleys..so ladies keep on moving.  You know another thing about valleys is that  they are green and lush so we can gain rest as well as strength...I am so thankful God knows me through and through and He still loves me and still tells me "come on Kelley let's hold hands and I will take you through..even if you want to sit down and quit...God is great!!!

On a lighter note I get to start keeping my sweet Piper tomorrow.  She brings such joy to me and I can't wait to spoil her rotten...well maybe not rotten(just kidding Erica).....What a great way to start my week.

Filling In The Gaps

Okay okay I admit it...I stink at blogging faithfully...I am still here just really busy or slow or I don't really know what...but I am here

I have been pondering lately about all of the changes in my life.  Growing up and getting married and living for 32 years to that husband of mine, watching my kids grow up and leave my nest and starting nests of their own and so on and so on.  At  times I reflect in awe of all that God has done in my life and other times I reflect in sadness at all the losses I feel at times.  Sometimes loss brings change and sometimes loss brings about a new way of living.  The two may sound the same but for me sometimes change is a negative and a new way of living is just that.  A new way of living!  Which is a positive.  I over think everything I am sure.  Just when I think life is really hard at 52 God shows me how he really fills in all the gaps.  I was talking with a dear friend of mine or should I say chatting on line.  This friend Theresa and I met in choir and she has remained one of my dearest friends.  She moved away almost two years ago and I thought oh no what a loss.  I have missed her laughter and our 2 hour long phones calls and our heart to hearts over many things.  I have missed praying with her over just about everything.  When she moved I thought I am not going to get through this...but I did.  She was also the leader in our ladies trio so another loss....it was change with a negative.  As we were chatting I realized hey I did survive and God has filled in every gap.  We welcomed a new member to our group a little over a year ago.  I love Viv and all she brings to the table...is she Theresa?  No... is she a new way of living... yes....which is positive.  Viv brings a whole new beginning to what I thought was lost.  My friendship with Theresa has taken on a new look.  Our friendship is deeply rooted in Christ so it will not end.  God filled in another gap with my friend Cindy(who is my worst blogger bugger).  I met Cindy years ago and God told me in a very real way that we would be great friends one day.  Several years later that too came to pass.  We have laughed together and cried together and continue to pray with each other.  Is she Theresa ...no....is she a new way of living...yes..

When the Lord moved my kids away especially my daughter Molly(you know mamas and daughters) I thought I am not going to make it..it was a great loss too,but God in his mercy brought along Pam who is young enough to be my daughter but is like my BFF with babies.  Seth and Brenna call me Lita.  It's awesome..Is Pam Molly?...no..she has become a new way of living for me.  I don't think God replaces those special people in our lives,but he fills in the gaps that seem like huge pits to me.  It's in those gaps that I grow.  We recently returned to our home church of 33 years.  We were called to another smaller church that I simply fell in love with.  We ministered there for about 3 years and God called us back home.  Both moves were really hard but leaving my little church was painful.  I miss my dear sisters there.  When we returned to our home church what a blessing God has had in store for us.  All the gaps I felt are being filled in one at a time....It has been a time of deep learning and giving up of my comfort zone..which can be painful, but ahh so necessary.  I am deeply grateful for all the people God has brought into my life and I know things will continue to change..but I know God is my gap filler and Oh how he loves you and me.

Saying Goodbye

Hello Ladies........

  I know I know it's been forever.  I was away visiting my kids in MT and life continues to escape me daily.  I had a wonderful time in MT.  I got to spend a lot of extra time with my grandson Hudson.  He is a replica of my son Paul.  At four years old he is all boy and funny.  We took a hike one day all around the camp and when we arrived back home I said" Mercy I'm hot"  and Hudson replied " Lita who's Mercy"  I just love those babies!!!!

As I write this my daughter is getting ready to pull out from MT and begin her new journey to Ohio for a brand new ministry.  She has been swamped for the last two weeks with packing,dinners,and goodbyes..I talked with her yesterday and she was dreading that night as she would have to say goodbye to her brother and his wife and kids.  My heart did a flip and I immediately could identify.  I thought back as I ended our conversation to all of the goodbyes I have said in my life.  I moved every three years of my life as a child and I got to the point that I refused to say goodbye to some of the many friends I left behind.  It was harder every time we arrived at a new place to make friends as I was sure just to say goodbye in the next couple of years.  When I arrived in good ole NC little did I know this would be home for the next 35 years.  I had gotten out of the habit of having to say goodbye on  a regular basis.  Then my kids began leaving home one by one and here we go again.  Believe it or not those have gotten easier.  I think it is because I have a home base.  I am the one getting to stay.  I used to be so envious of my friends that got to stay.

All of that to say this. My Pastor just finished up a series in the book of Daniel.  We have talked for weeks of the soon return of Christ.  I was thinking am I ready to say goodbye to this world for my heavenly home?  Most of us would say yes, of course, are you crazy?.  I was thinking of having to say goodbye to some of my family that doesn't know him and to friends that I am not quite sure about.  All of those goodbyes in a twinkling of an eye?  Not so easy now huh?  Don't get me wrong I am but a passer by-er in this world.  As it says in I Peter 2:15-17 we are not to love this world nor the things that it offers...this world is fading away and all the things that people crave along with it,but it has become my home base and I am comfortable here most of the time..that's my point I don't want to be comfortable here anymore.  I want the urgency of my family coming to know him to burn deep in my heart.  I want to be able to say I am going to love that big goodbye to this world because it will be one big hello to those I love for all of eternity.  How ready are you to say goodbye?  A lot of food for thought.  Let's pray for a new hunger to see people come to Christ...the big goodbye might just be around the corner....you know in a twinkling of an eye.

Love you all.  Safe traveling Molly!