My Mommy Always You Will Be

Many of you may recognize the phrase in my title.  This came from a book my sister gave me years ago to read with my one and only son Paul.  We were struggling a little at that time.  Paul was wanting to grow up and I was holding on a little too tight.  I got the book in the mail and my sister instructed me to go in right away to a quiet room just me and Paul and read the book together.  The book encourages you to make up a tune to some of the lyrics and we did.  We read it all the way through and of course I was crying my eyes out by the last page.  Paul and I continue to sign our cards to each other with that phrase and many times during his growing up years he would bring the book in to me and we would read together when we were having a rough patch.  Now don't get me wrong I love all of my children,but this year I am going to dive in on raising a baby boy all the way up to him becoming a man.  On the night that Paul was born I remember them bringing him in to me late in the night for his first feeding.  I was startled when I first saw that black haired chubby baby.  He was screaming and he had scratches on his face and long black hair that already needed a trim.  I held him close and tried to nurse him for the very first time and he was not having any of it.  Mad and screaming I was at a loss.  Then I laid him on the bed and really looked at him.  Checked all his fingers and toes and from one inch to the other amazed that he was mine.  Paul was my first child and my only boy.  I thanked Jesus for him right away and I just picked him up and talked to him and finally he stopped crying and listened to my voice so intently.  I prayed that God would use him and that he would already begin to prepare his future wife.  I gave him to the Lord that night in the quiet of my room.  He finally ate and nestled right down and we fell asleep together.  Little did I know that I was going to need all of that sleep and more.  Paul was colic for 4 long months.  He took 30 minutes to eat was happy for 30 more minutes and cried for the next 3 hours until it was time to eat again.  I remember watching him cry and just feeling so helpless that I couldn't fix it.  I never got angry or wanted to throw him out the window like I have heard some mothers say.  I just loved him right through it.  He was mine and I was thrilled.  The bond that a mama and her baby boy have is unexplainable.  We were a lot a like and we butted heads many times because of it..."His mommy always I would be" remained true.  The last time I really felt like his mama was when he broke his leg two weeks before his wedding.  He was really sick with a temperature and he called me and asked if I could come down.  I was out the door within a few hours and down we drove three and half hours.  I walked in and met his fiance' at the door.  She was trying so hard to do everything right.  I walked into my son's room and the look on his face was one I will treasure forever.  He needed his mommy one more time and I was thrilled.  I knew as I was passing that baton to my wonderful daughter in law Lorie by explaining why Paul won't eat Ritz crackers when he is sick and why he only drinks  7-up I was indeed losing my boy in a whole new way.  It hurt when he went away to college but this was different.  He was walking away from me to the woman of his dreams and I knew my boy was all grown up and now a man.  There was never a regret.  I prayed for Lorie the night Paul was born and I knew this was God's plan.  Paul and Lorie have been married for nine years ( I think ).  My son is a pastor and a father of 2 children.  He has grown into a man of God that I admire and respect.  Just when I am feeling sorry for myself because  all of my kids are out of town I open up the card my son sent me for Mother's Day.  It is a hour before Mother's Day is officially here.  It is quiet my husband is already asleep.  I love the cards from my son because I know he looks for these himself.  So I begin to read and get to the last sentence and it says " I'll never outgrow you Mom"  I love my boy and am so thankful  that God chose me to be his Mama.   What a privilege it is to be a mom.  Paul Jacob you are special to me and Your Mommy Always I'll Be! 

Where Does My Peace Come From?

Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted any of my thoughts to this blog.  As I was reading my friend Cindy's blog I came to the question " Where Does My Peace Come From?"  We are both in a circle of friends that go way back.  Within that circle of friends we have watched many of our friends going through crisis.  At my friend Tracy's mother's funeral I connected with another friend Katie who was getting ready for the birth of a new grandson.  We both laughed at how fun grand babies were and her daughter was due anytime.  Her grandson was born several days ago only to go home to be with the Lord just a few days later.  Where does our peace come from.  My heart is broken for my friend and her daughter.  I remember changing that daughter's diaper many a time.  As Katie's family was reeling from this tragedy she called another friend to come over and minister to her daughter.  That friend lost her son many years ago.  We raised our children together.  Where does our peace come from?  I am in such a quandary as I grow older with each and every day as to why all these things happen.  When my friend lost her son those many years ago in a horrible accident I remember being so angry at God for the way that child had to be taken. I sat many days with my friend with not a word spoken.  I had no words that would even begin to seem appropriate. I remember her quiet grieving but more so I watched her incredible peace.  She seemed to be washed in it.  Did she cry? Yes Was she broken hearted? Yes  Would her world be forever changed? Yes...but she had such peace.  I don't think I ever told her how much my walk with Christ changed watching her bask in that peace.  Where does our peace come from?  It comes from the life giver, the lover of my soul, the one who gave his very life for me.  All of the friends I have mentioned, we have life strings tied to each other as we raised our kids together,grew up together, and have kept that common bond that only Christ can give to his body of believers.  Life will continue on...on these hard days I pray for peace for my friends.  I want them to be washed in it.....Christ will return and every tear will be washed away but until that day His promise of peace will sustain us.  I am choosing to believe this very promise for my friends as God sings over them in sweet sweet love.  Tracy....praying for you.

Forever Reaching

Well it has been a 102 for the last 2 days and promises to be as hot tomorrow.  My friend Cindy lives for this heat.  I on the other hand have not suffered heat stroke and realize too much of a good thing is too much!!! I can only take off so many clothes.

Oh well on to the meat of my blog.  I was looking at a picture of my granddaughter Rylie today.  This picture is of her and her Daddy at a local science center.  She has cerebral palsy and my son Paul was holding her and introducing her to a resident goat.  In the picture you can see that he has to hold her hand in the direction of the goat so she can pet him.  Rylie is forever reaching but because of her CP she doesn't always reach in the right direction.  She amazes me that she is always trying with the hope that her muscles will cooperate and get her to what she wants.  I know God uses her in my life so often and just a glimpse of this picture makes me wonder as to what am I Forever Reaching for?  I reach for material things as we all do, I reach for food more than I like to admit, I reach for my husband and all that he has to offer and I reach for God.  Now as to what order I do that in is what I need to get straightened out.  Obviously I need to reach for God first..it is the right Christian answer...but in reality I don't always.  Oh I am reaching alright all the time for something just not in the direction God would have me to.  I  know the Holy Spirit is constantly trying to point me in the right direction, but in my stubbornness I fight back and reach for the wrong thing.  My son Paul has the patience of Job and will work with Rylie until the goats come home and only finds joy as Rylie touches that goat and laughs her good ole belly laugh.  Her muscles fight all the way and then immediately relax as she feels that funny fur.  She has found the object of her searching and all of her efforts are rewarded, but she had to yield to her Daddy's firm but loving hand as he helped her.  I want to be just like that with my heavenly father.  I want to reach for things that will bring him glory and will result in me finding that perfect resting place and peace and when I don't reach in the right direction I want him to firmly direct me in the way that he wants me to go.  I have a dear friend that I have been praying for because her husband was diagnosed with cancer.  We prayed for her tonight as her husband goes in for an MRI of his brain tomorrow.  She admitted she was a little anxious of the outcome and when asked how her husband was doing she smiled and said great.  He is holding us all up.  Her husband I think has been reaching in the right direction for a long time  and now it is second nature for him to continue to reach for God and it is obvious that he has found that resting place of peace.  Are his circumstances hard?  Yep..does he stop reaching nope....amazing how God trusts his saints with  hard journeys  only to have others encouraged.  I want to be" Forever Reaching" towards my Heavenly Father simply because He reached for me first..He inclines his ear to me as I cry out to him.  Thank you God for my sweet Rylie just the way she is.  Thank you for true men of God that when in crisis only build up and encourage others.  God be with you both tomorrow and I will be praying!

Just What Am I doing?

Apathy..hmm a word that really is a kill joy in every arena.   Webster defines it as: lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm.  So when we put apathetic in the same sentence with Christianity we automatically have a problem.  I have heard sermon after sermon on being an apathetic Christian and yet I still fall prey to that behavior on a regular basis.  I am hear today to write out loud as to why I think I am a chronic apathetic Christian.  Wow that was a big admission for you all to read.  We all deal with it and yet we can't seem to (as Bob Newhart puts it) "just stop it".  I am doing a Bible study this summer titled "The Well".  It's basic idea is that we all have holes that we gather water from but we don't draw from the Well himself  Jesus Christ.  I have a had a lack of interest in this study even though I know I need it and I can grow from it.  This weeks chapter deals with the hole of control.  Now don't get me wrong I love control, but I don't thrive on it like I used to.  The older I get I realize how little control I have or even want... so I realized today that I have the control to open the book and read the scripture Acts 27 along with the chapter.  Acts 27 deals with Paul becoming shipwrecked on his way to Rome for his trial.  He is sailing as a prisoner.  He gives advise to the captain of the ship to stay at port in Crete or we will shipwreck and lose all of our cargo...the captain does not listen and they indeed become shipwrecked on a small island.  The chapter is a blow by blow  description of the storm.  As I read this story I think Paul had every right to be apathetic on this journey.  He was most likely headed to a death sentence.  Not Paul...he was living the adventure by caring for other captives and his captors.  He was calm but not apathetic.....He knew who was in control and never once did he  focus on himself.  So just what am I doing????  I am apathetic because the focus remains on me!!!!!!!  I mope around and think about me and me and some more of me.  I really need to realize that I am headed toward Heaven with each day and that is not a death sentence, but a life sentence...eternal life with Christ...how can I lose interest in that...A little bit of truth....painful huh????  I  live through storms and just everyday life can get old, but when I learn to take the focus off myself and put it on the Well himself I suddenly gain purpose again..I never really lose purpose I just lose sight of it when the mirror of life shows only my reflection.  When I am stuck in front of a mirror all day I am completely non productive...so I am going to start breaking some mirrors around here and get busy about my Father's business.  My baby Molly just called me and was enjoying her babies sitting outside in the sun and was missing me...I miss her too everyday.  What a lovely picture for me to think on for the rest of the day.  Thank you Lord your timing is always perfect...I am officially declaring war on apathy within me and my house....get behind me Satan!!!

Life Is Full OF Changes

Wow it has been a long couple of months.  Every time I look at this blog site I get mad at myself for not being more faithful to it.  Oh well....I will proceed.  We buried my mother-in-law Faye last week.  She was diagnosed with stage 4B pancreatic cancer and was given 6 months to live.  She elected for no treatment.  In her 80 years of life wisdom took the lead and her heart strings to this earthly life were severed as she made her way to the Savior's arms in 4 short weeks.  We were all devastated at the diagnoses.  My husband called me early on a Wed. morning to tell me the news and I cried for what seemed forever and then I began the process of calling each one of my children to tell them the news.  We were all so sad.  We went to visit Faye that evening to see this frail woman stand up and give each one of us a hug and tell us she was at peace,she was ready to go,and she was taking no treatment.  We all sat back and took the moment in.  I began to think our lives were going to change drastically in the next fews months.  I looked at my dear father-law who has been a father to me in the last 32 years and thought he was losing his mate of 61 years and his life was never going to be the same.  I looked at my husband and thought his life was going to be different without his mama of 58 years and myself I thought wow it is really happening our parents are leaving this world.  The next 4 weeks were spent trying to spend as much time with Faye as we could and then taking care of her as her body began to fail.  I deemed it a huge privilege to be a part of her care taking in those last days.  My dad died of cancer 12 years ago and I lived out of state and was not a big part of that.  This was all together different.  Watching life slip away from a person creates a lot of soul searching.  I had to face my faith head on and know that I know that Jesus death on the cross provides a safe passage for those who believe in him and trust him wholly.  Faye knew the savior and was ready to meet him.  The last day I spent with her she slept most of the day.  She slept right through a bath and a hair wash that ended with a bad blown dried look.  I kept thinking she would hate her hair like this.  She began to slip so quickly that day and when I kissed her cheek and told her I loved her and said good bye I knew it would be the last time.  I felt she already had one foot in Heaven.  She slipped into the presence of God the next morning at 9:30.  My husband called to say " she has stopped breathing"  he didn't say she died or she is dead..just that she has stopped breathing.  Her earthly body had stopped but as she opened her eyes she saw Jesus.  Death is no victor for the child of the King.  I know our lives had begun the change.  No more Christmas dinners with Faye, no more flea market trips with my best antique buddy in the world, no more scrabble games (that I always lost), no more anything with Faye.  For those of you who know me I love new things and a new adventure, but this is one time I am not looking forward to the changes her home going brings.  My father-law Bill said yesterday that life moves on.  We will miss her but she is no longer in pain and sick...so life does move on.  To what?  I think it is the fact is that we all face mortality and when we lose a loved one it only magnifies the fact.  I want Fayes's home going to change my life for the positive.  She was a woman who told you pretty straight up just about everything.  She would be the first to say move on and find something good to think about.  So I will.  Simply put I will choose to take the best of my memories of Faye and put them to work in a positive way.  One that will lead others to Christ.  She would smile at that and say "Kelley get over it and get on with it"  So I will...love you Faye!

Patience..here we go again

Patient is a word I have always loathed.  As I get older I realize maybe I have more of that then I thought.  My nature has always been pretty easy going.  I used to have to share a room with either of my sisters because I always got along with everyone.  I am the middle child and the old motto "there is always tomorrow"  has been my motto.  I can wait for a parking space, I can wait for the person in line without any trouble, but I have been thinking that waiting on the Lord is the hardest.  I am impatient for an answer and just how things are going to look in 2 years.  Of course any wise Christian woman knows that God's timing is everything.  His timing is always right, but not always easy to wait on.  We learned in our Bible study on James that we always have trying times in-between the rains.  Farmers wait on autumn rains and springs rains according to James 5:7-11.  it becomes so clear that we all have to wait until the rain appears.  We know it's coming but we get impatient and then we usually stray in some way from God's loving arms to venture out into the dry fields that bring no fruit.  In other words we dry up spiritually when all we do is tap our fingers waiting for God to move on our time.  Impatience brings depression into my life in a heartbeat.  Impatience causes me to doubt God's love and care for me.  Waiting on the Lord could be really productive if I let it be.  Beth Moore encouraged us to use those dry times to speak truth into others lives.  God always has a plan but I have to learn that in order to wait means being still and knowing that he is God.  Not lifeless but quiet in spirit resting before him.  I have also learned that God does not always move in my direction he sits and waits for me to be quiet and then He shares the direction I need to go...not always the whole plan but a direction.  The sweet little girl I keep during the week has really brought that home to me this week.  She is a busy little thing and has decided that every time she wants to go in a new direction she comes and grabs my hand and says "mon mon".  I find myself getting up at her every direction change (she is just so darn cute).  Today I decided we needed to work on being patient that Lita can't get up every time Piper wants to move.  She actually is learning to be patient and reoccupying herself with something until I go in a direction.  I had such a mental picture today of the Lord sitting before me and I running to him and and grabbing  his hand and saying "come on Lord let's go this way"  and he gently tells me "Kelley wait on me to get up and show you where to go and I will hold your hand as we go.  The fun part of walking with Piper is her little hand in mine and her complete trust that I will guide her to a place of fun (usually) but always feeling safe as we go.  I picture my hand in the Lords hand and I find myself trusting his direction and always feeling safe.  The trick is waiting on him to move in a  direction and the real test is learning to reoccupy myself with something that will continue to bring him glory and further the kingdom until I feel his hand leading me.  Now Piper has not mastered all of this she still is impatient and she still is set on always pointing to the place she wants to go.  God is so awesome that he allows me to keep this sweet baby and learn so much from her little self.  I am learning to wait on the rains this week. It has been a very trying week and I forgot to wait on the Lord and I let go of his hand and went in my own direction....tonight I know I once again have a hold of his hand and I am confident in his leading and oh how he loves me so even when I stomp my feet and say "mon mon" just like when I look down at that sweet face of Piper and think oh how I love her so when she stomps those little feet of impatience .  Wow what we learn from the people God sets in our life!  Sweet Pipey!

I am one week away from being 53 ahhhhhh!!!!

Wow what a title huh?  I am soon to be 53.  I always ponder over my life about this same time every February.  My February always begins with remembering  my Dad's birthday which landed on the 5th.  I woke up that day wishing my Daddy a happy birthday and also wondering if we still will do that in heaven..you know have a birthday cake and all that stuff or will the time we spend there just get swallowed up because we will be there forever...hmmmm such things to think about.  I know when Valentines Day rolls around I am close to turning another year older..then on the 24th I wish my Grandpa Kullman a happy birthday and always cry because I still miss him after all these years.  What an impact that man left on my life.  He was a safe haven for me and I felt totally loved unconditionally by him.  On my 16th birthday he called me and asked when the date was going to be.  I sat and thought okay what am I missing?  He proceeded to tell me that when I was 5 years old I told him I was going to marry him when I turned 16...he still remembered and what another endearing memory he created for me that day.  I want to be a endearing memory creator.  I miss a lot of opportunities to spend with my grand kids and it always makes me sad.  I have been reorganizing my photos on my new computer and I have gone over hundreds of pictures of all the times I have spent with my babies and the wonderful memories we have created.  A week here and there have been precious times and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  As I thought about my grandfather I realized  we only saw them once a year and he was my favorite person.  He was able to cram all the fun and love into about 2 weeks of memories  and I never forgot them.  Just random thoughts..no sadness of my upcoming birthday just a huge appreciation for what God has given me and that the plans he has for me are not to harm me.  He loves me more than I will ever understand on this side of heaven.  I know when I see his face everything will become clear and that his love that runs so deep will be there for me to see for an eternity.   A few random things I have learned in this past year is that when you are trying to decide if it's an or a the an always come before a word that starts with a vowel.  That if you feed a baby peas and pintos all in one day the next day you are really going to regret it.  That I really don't like my animals as much as I thought I did.  Most importantly that prayer is vital in my walk with Jesus.  God taught me that lesson over and over again when my son was waiting to hear from a new church pastor position.  I prayed Lord help my unbelief and prayed with faith knowing he would get that position. He has been there almost 3 months and God is faithful.  Maybe I should finish this tomorrow I am sleep typing and it shows.  I am backkkkkk.  Well it doesn't look as bad I thought it would.  I am not sure why the urge to blog always hits me at 11:30 at night.  I also learned that a shrew is a real live little animal that my daughter-in-law caught in a mouse trap last spring.  I had to research that little guys face to figure out that is wasn't a mutant mouse.  My biggest desire every year is to see what kind of growth I have had in the Lord since last birthday.  We had lots of changes this last year and I really had to look to the Lord for insight and wisdom in each situation.  He proves over and over  again that He is faithful!  Even when I don't trust him for the answers and hobble on my own he continues to be faithful.  What an awesome God we serve.  Ladies I would be lying if I acted as though there have not been dry times in my walk this year.  There have been and I know that as he heard Hagar's cries in the desert he hears mine if I only call out to him.  I am finally learning to call out to him on a regular basis.  He yearns to hear my voice.  He is my knight in shining armor!  As I finally get to an end with this pocketful of random thoughts I learned last night that we are to be little moons.  The moon actually reflects light from the sun and we are to reflect the light of who Jesus really is..in other words we are to be little moons that reflect the light of the SON to a dark world.  I really want to be a moon this next year!!!  Thank you Jesus for who you are and that you love me so.  One final thought I have been reminded many times this year that when I have an urge to tell the Lord "I love you"  it's because He said it first.  Cool huh?