Just What Am I doing?

Apathy..hmm a word that really is a kill joy in every arena.   Webster defines it as: lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm.  So when we put apathetic in the same sentence with Christianity we automatically have a problem.  I have heard sermon after sermon on being an apathetic Christian and yet I still fall prey to that behavior on a regular basis.  I am hear today to write out loud as to why I think I am a chronic apathetic Christian.  Wow that was a big admission for you all to read.  We all deal with it and yet we can't seem to (as Bob Newhart puts it) "just stop it".  I am doing a Bible study this summer titled "The Well".  It's basic idea is that we all have holes that we gather water from but we don't draw from the Well himself  Jesus Christ.  I have a had a lack of interest in this study even though I know I need it and I can grow from it.  This weeks chapter deals with the hole of control.  Now don't get me wrong I love control, but I don't thrive on it like I used to.  The older I get I realize how little control I have or even want... so I realized today that I have the control to open the book and read the scripture Acts 27 along with the chapter.  Acts 27 deals with Paul becoming shipwrecked on his way to Rome for his trial.  He is sailing as a prisoner.  He gives advise to the captain of the ship to stay at port in Crete or we will shipwreck and lose all of our cargo...the captain does not listen and they indeed become shipwrecked on a small island.  The chapter is a blow by blow  description of the storm.  As I read this story I think Paul had every right to be apathetic on this journey.  He was most likely headed to a death sentence.  Not Paul...he was living the adventure by caring for other captives and his captors.  He was calm but not apathetic.....He knew who was in control and never once did he  focus on himself.  So just what am I doing????  I am apathetic because the focus remains on me!!!!!!!  I mope around and think about me and me and some more of me.  I really need to realize that I am headed toward Heaven with each day and that is not a death sentence, but a life sentence...eternal life with Christ...how can I lose interest in that...A little bit of truth....painful huh????  I  live through storms and just everyday life can get old, but when I learn to take the focus off myself and put it on the Well himself I suddenly gain purpose again..I never really lose purpose I just lose sight of it when the mirror of life shows only my reflection.  When I am stuck in front of a mirror all day I am completely non productive...so I am going to start breaking some mirrors around here and get busy about my Father's business.  My baby Molly just called me and was enjoying her babies sitting outside in the sun and was missing me...I miss her too everyday.  What a lovely picture for me to think on for the rest of the day.  Thank you Lord your timing is always perfect...I am officially declaring war on apathy within me and my house....get behind me Satan!!!

Life Is Full OF Changes

Wow it has been a long couple of months.  Every time I look at this blog site I get mad at myself for not being more faithful to it.  Oh well....I will proceed.  We buried my mother-in-law Faye last week.  She was diagnosed with stage 4B pancreatic cancer and was given 6 months to live.  She elected for no treatment.  In her 80 years of life wisdom took the lead and her heart strings to this earthly life were severed as she made her way to the Savior's arms in 4 short weeks.  We were all devastated at the diagnoses.  My husband called me early on a Wed. morning to tell me the news and I cried for what seemed forever and then I began the process of calling each one of my children to tell them the news.  We were all so sad.  We went to visit Faye that evening to see this frail woman stand up and give each one of us a hug and tell us she was at peace,she was ready to go,and she was taking no treatment.  We all sat back and took the moment in.  I began to think our lives were going to change drastically in the next fews months.  I looked at my dear father-law who has been a father to me in the last 32 years and thought he was losing his mate of 61 years and his life was never going to be the same.  I looked at my husband and thought his life was going to be different without his mama of 58 years and myself I thought wow it is really happening our parents are leaving this world.  The next 4 weeks were spent trying to spend as much time with Faye as we could and then taking care of her as her body began to fail.  I deemed it a huge privilege to be a part of her care taking in those last days.  My dad died of cancer 12 years ago and I lived out of state and was not a big part of that.  This was all together different.  Watching life slip away from a person creates a lot of soul searching.  I had to face my faith head on and know that I know that Jesus death on the cross provides a safe passage for those who believe in him and trust him wholly.  Faye knew the savior and was ready to meet him.  The last day I spent with her she slept most of the day.  She slept right through a bath and a hair wash that ended with a bad blown dried look.  I kept thinking she would hate her hair like this.  She began to slip so quickly that day and when I kissed her cheek and told her I loved her and said good bye I knew it would be the last time.  I felt she already had one foot in Heaven.  She slipped into the presence of God the next morning at 9:30.  My husband called to say " she has stopped breathing"  he didn't say she died or she is dead..just that she has stopped breathing.  Her earthly body had stopped but as she opened her eyes she saw Jesus.  Death is no victor for the child of the King.  I know our lives had begun the change.  No more Christmas dinners with Faye, no more flea market trips with my best antique buddy in the world, no more scrabble games (that I always lost), no more anything with Faye.  For those of you who know me I love new things and a new adventure, but this is one time I am not looking forward to the changes her home going brings.  My father-law Bill said yesterday that life moves on.  We will miss her but she is no longer in pain and sick...so life does move on.  To what?  I think it is the fact is that we all face mortality and when we lose a loved one it only magnifies the fact.  I want Fayes's home going to change my life for the positive.  She was a woman who told you pretty straight up just about everything.  She would be the first to say move on and find something good to think about.  So I will.  Simply put I will choose to take the best of my memories of Faye and put them to work in a positive way.  One that will lead others to Christ.  She would smile at that and say "Kelley get over it and get on with it"  So I will...love you Faye!

Patience..here we go again

Patient is a word I have always loathed.  As I get older I realize maybe I have more of that then I thought.  My nature has always been pretty easy going.  I used to have to share a room with either of my sisters because I always got along with everyone.  I am the middle child and the old motto "there is always tomorrow"  has been my motto.  I can wait for a parking space, I can wait for the person in line without any trouble, but I have been thinking that waiting on the Lord is the hardest.  I am impatient for an answer and just how things are going to look in 2 years.  Of course any wise Christian woman knows that God's timing is everything.  His timing is always right, but not always easy to wait on.  We learned in our Bible study on James that we always have trying times in-between the rains.  Farmers wait on autumn rains and springs rains according to James 5:7-11.  it becomes so clear that we all have to wait until the rain appears.  We know it's coming but we get impatient and then we usually stray in some way from God's loving arms to venture out into the dry fields that bring no fruit.  In other words we dry up spiritually when all we do is tap our fingers waiting for God to move on our time.  Impatience brings depression into my life in a heartbeat.  Impatience causes me to doubt God's love and care for me.  Waiting on the Lord could be really productive if I let it be.  Beth Moore encouraged us to use those dry times to speak truth into others lives.  God always has a plan but I have to learn that in order to wait means being still and knowing that he is God.  Not lifeless but quiet in spirit resting before him.  I have also learned that God does not always move in my direction he sits and waits for me to be quiet and then He shares the direction I need to go...not always the whole plan but a direction.  The sweet little girl I keep during the week has really brought that home to me this week.  She is a busy little thing and has decided that every time she wants to go in a new direction she comes and grabs my hand and says "mon mon".  I find myself getting up at her every direction change (she is just so darn cute).  Today I decided we needed to work on being patient that Lita can't get up every time Piper wants to move.  She actually is learning to be patient and reoccupying herself with something until I go in a direction.  I had such a mental picture today of the Lord sitting before me and I running to him and and grabbing  his hand and saying "come on Lord let's go this way"  and he gently tells me "Kelley wait on me to get up and show you where to go and I will hold your hand as we go.  The fun part of walking with Piper is her little hand in mine and her complete trust that I will guide her to a place of fun (usually) but always feeling safe as we go.  I picture my hand in the Lords hand and I find myself trusting his direction and always feeling safe.  The trick is waiting on him to move in a  direction and the real test is learning to reoccupy myself with something that will continue to bring him glory and further the kingdom until I feel his hand leading me.  Now Piper has not mastered all of this she still is impatient and she still is set on always pointing to the place she wants to go.  God is so awesome that he allows me to keep this sweet baby and learn so much from her little self.  I am learning to wait on the rains this week. It has been a very trying week and I forgot to wait on the Lord and I let go of his hand and went in my own direction....tonight I know I once again have a hold of his hand and I am confident in his leading and oh how he loves me so even when I stomp my feet and say "mon mon" just like when I look down at that sweet face of Piper and think oh how I love her so when she stomps those little feet of impatience .  Wow what we learn from the people God sets in our life!  Sweet Pipey!

I am one week away from being 53 ahhhhhh!!!!

Wow what a title huh?  I am soon to be 53.  I always ponder over my life about this same time every February.  My February always begins with remembering  my Dad's birthday which landed on the 5th.  I woke up that day wishing my Daddy a happy birthday and also wondering if we still will do that in heaven..you know have a birthday cake and all that stuff or will the time we spend there just get swallowed up because we will be there forever...hmmmm such things to think about.  I know when Valentines Day rolls around I am close to turning another year older..then on the 24th I wish my Grandpa Kullman a happy birthday and always cry because I still miss him after all these years.  What an impact that man left on my life.  He was a safe haven for me and I felt totally loved unconditionally by him.  On my 16th birthday he called me and asked when the date was going to be.  I sat and thought okay what am I missing?  He proceeded to tell me that when I was 5 years old I told him I was going to marry him when I turned 16...he still remembered and what another endearing memory he created for me that day.  I want to be a endearing memory creator.  I miss a lot of opportunities to spend with my grand kids and it always makes me sad.  I have been reorganizing my photos on my new computer and I have gone over hundreds of pictures of all the times I have spent with my babies and the wonderful memories we have created.  A week here and there have been precious times and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  As I thought about my grandfather I realized  we only saw them once a year and he was my favorite person.  He was able to cram all the fun and love into about 2 weeks of memories  and I never forgot them.  Just random thoughts..no sadness of my upcoming birthday just a huge appreciation for what God has given me and that the plans he has for me are not to harm me.  He loves me more than I will ever understand on this side of heaven.  I know when I see his face everything will become clear and that his love that runs so deep will be there for me to see for an eternity.   A few random things I have learned in this past year is that when you are trying to decide if it's an or a the an always come before a word that starts with a vowel.  That if you feed a baby peas and pintos all in one day the next day you are really going to regret it.  That I really don't like my animals as much as I thought I did.  Most importantly that prayer is vital in my walk with Jesus.  God taught me that lesson over and over again when my son was waiting to hear from a new church pastor position.  I prayed Lord help my unbelief and prayed with faith knowing he would get that position. He has been there almost 3 months and God is faithful.  Maybe I should finish this tomorrow I am sleep typing and it shows.  I am backkkkkk.  Well it doesn't look as bad I thought it would.  I am not sure why the urge to blog always hits me at 11:30 at night.  I also learned that a shrew is a real live little animal that my daughter-in-law caught in a mouse trap last spring.  I had to research that little guys face to figure out that is wasn't a mutant mouse.  My biggest desire every year is to see what kind of growth I have had in the Lord since last birthday.  We had lots of changes this last year and I really had to look to the Lord for insight and wisdom in each situation.  He proves over and over  again that He is faithful!  Even when I don't trust him for the answers and hobble on my own he continues to be faithful.  What an awesome God we serve.  Ladies I would be lying if I acted as though there have not been dry times in my walk this year.  There have been and I know that as he heard Hagar's cries in the desert he hears mine if I only call out to him.  I am finally learning to call out to him on a regular basis.  He yearns to hear my voice.  He is my knight in shining armor!  As I finally get to an end with this pocketful of random thoughts I learned last night that we are to be little moons.  The moon actually reflects light from the sun and we are to reflect the light of who Jesus really is..in other words we are to be little moons that reflect the light of the SON to a dark world.  I really want to be a moon this next year!!!  Thank you Jesus for who you are and that you love me so.  One final thought I have been reminded many times this year that when I have an urge to tell the Lord "I love you"  it's because He said it first.  Cool huh?

In The Little Things

I am back...sorry such a long  time away.  Sometimes my thoughts are most enjoyed internally.  I am realizing that to blog is a good thing.  I have been reading past blogs from my other friends that I haven't read in a while.  My friend Tracy's blog stands out the most.  We both have a friend that is battling cancer.  I am actually a closer friend to Myra's older sister.  I am so sad just the same that Myra is so sick.  Myra was always the  little squirt for years.  She has blossomed into this awesome woman of God and realized her calling as a pastor and followed through.  She was a spitfire as a girl and remains that to this day.  I was reminded a few weeks ago the memory my daughter Molly has of Myra and her husband watching them for a weekend for us years ago.  She said her brother Paul and her were afraid to sleep by themselves in the living room so Myra and Gray had a slumber party in the living room all together. Molly never forgot that and because of that one moment in time Myra earned the right to minister into my daughter's life.  I came away from that conversation with the thought of how many big moments have I created with people in doing just the little things?  I believe God does not always trust us with the big things unless we learn how to handle the little things He has predestined for us to do.  The works He prepared for Myra to do were set before she was born.  She was faithful in setting up a slumber party for my frightened little daughter and boom it automatically opened up a new door of ministry with Molly.  Molly is grown with children of her own and has not seen Myra in years but has been experiencing Myra's illness through my phone calls.  Myra  has continued to teach Molly how God never leaves us.  Oh Lord teach us not to miss the little opportunities that will lead us to bigger opportunities for God.  Continue the good fight sweet sister Myra you are not alone!  

In The Valley

Well I am here..Can you believe it??  I don't really need a answer.  I am glad to report I am alive and well and I have actually missed the blogging craze.

You may think the title of my blog will include this huge valley I have been in and how I have managed to survive.  I have not been in a valley but I have been a pit dweller ever since my trip to MT.  The trip was great and I loved every minute with my family and my husband's week of teaching was great.  Thank the Lord 12 kids accepted Jesus as their Lord and Saviour.  The pit dwelling came before we left.  I didn't realize until today that I was actually pit dwelling instead of being in a valley.  The Friday we left for MT my husband's work van was stolen right out of our driveway.  The van was recovered a few hours later without my husband's tools.  Every last one was gone.  Thirty years of adding to and collecting for his livelihood gone...Hmm really Lord right on the day we are to leave for MT (a trip involving ministry)???  I am not getting it at the moment.  We move forward to Friday afternoon and as I am checking in for our flight for the early am I have encountered a huge snag....YOUR FLIGHT HAS BEEN CANCELED...CONTACT THE AIRLINES....really Lord... a hail storm in Denver...49 planes damaged...10 days out with flights...the second scoop of the shovel into my pit.  As I was waiting on hold for 1 1/2 to find out what we could do about our flight I begin to pray....Lord I can deal with the flight and I can even deal with the possibility of not going to MT...but the stolen van is hard to deal with.  As I am waiting for the super nice airline rep. to find a solution to our dilemma I begin to see the Lord working things out and I feel peace that we will get to MT in a timely manner.  Frontier airline reps are the best.  I shelved the stolen van incident for another day.  The enemy continued to fire darts at us all week and we weathered all of that ( that is a story for another day).  A week later as we were traveling home I began to think of all that was waiting for us at home...mainly things to do with the van.  I also began to sense a new fear creeping in ever so quietly.  I was so bent on this becoming a valley that Lord would walk me through...problem is I stopped walking...I got stuck.  You know feeling sorry for us and being afraid to go home.  My friend Cindy prayed for me one night for protection and to come against that spirit of fear...it worked for a little bit..until I decided to go deeper into the pit and rely on me instead of Him.  Our Pastor is doing a series on Psalm 23.  We were on vs 4..you know "though I walk through the valley...,  I won't be afraid...your rod and staff comfort me..."  I thought boy I have been in a valley...whew glad the Lord showed me that.....no the Lord showed me I have not been walking I have laid down and acted like I was finished.  I have not allowed his rod and staff to comfort me.  I have not allowed his presence to give me comfort..I have been hanging out in the pit.  The epiphany I had was when Pastor said there is always a valley in between two mountains.  It's in the valleys that we gain strength to get to the next mountain top.  I have been leaving out the moving part of the verse.  I am so thankful I have a Pastor that allows the Lord to put motion to the Word.  I appreciate the challenge God's Word provides in my life to keep me moving.  Don't get me wrong..I have not been depressed, but I have been just kind of walking in a fog...not really seeing all that God has been trying to teach me.  I also read in I Peter that the trials only last for  awhile and then He restores us... Restore now there's a word of hope... I have a lot of friends and family that have been in deep valleys and are trying to move through.  There is that mountain on the other side.  I think we only think we see Jesus on the mountain like Moses...but Jesus never leaves or forsakes us and that means in the valleys and the pits ladies.  God does not give us a shovel to dig a pit,but he gives us His hand to lead us through the valley...Being in the House Of The Lord has been awesome today and I am thankful for the valleys..so ladies keep on moving.  You know another thing about valleys is that  they are green and lush so we can gain rest as well as strength...I am so thankful God knows me through and through and He still loves me and still tells me "come on Kelley let's hold hands and I will take you through..even if you want to sit down and quit...God is great!!!

On a lighter note I get to start keeping my sweet Piper tomorrow.  She brings such joy to me and I can't wait to spoil her rotten...well maybe not rotten(just kidding Erica).....What a great way to start my week.

Filling In The Gaps

Okay okay I admit it...I stink at blogging faithfully...I am still here just really busy or slow or I don't really know what...but I am here

I have been pondering lately about all of the changes in my life.  Growing up and getting married and living for 32 years to that husband of mine, watching my kids grow up and leave my nest and starting nests of their own and so on and so on.  At  times I reflect in awe of all that God has done in my life and other times I reflect in sadness at all the losses I feel at times.  Sometimes loss brings change and sometimes loss brings about a new way of living.  The two may sound the same but for me sometimes change is a negative and a new way of living is just that.  A new way of living!  Which is a positive.  I over think everything I am sure.  Just when I think life is really hard at 52 God shows me how he really fills in all the gaps.  I was talking with a dear friend of mine or should I say chatting on line.  This friend Theresa and I met in choir and she has remained one of my dearest friends.  She moved away almost two years ago and I thought oh no what a loss.  I have missed her laughter and our 2 hour long phones calls and our heart to hearts over many things.  I have missed praying with her over just about everything.  When she moved I thought I am not going to get through this...but I did.  She was also the leader in our ladies trio so another loss....it was change with a negative.  As we were chatting I realized hey I did survive and God has filled in every gap.  We welcomed a new member to our group a little over a year ago.  I love Viv and all she brings to the table...is she Theresa?  No... is she a new way of living... yes....which is positive.  Viv brings a whole new beginning to what I thought was lost.  My friendship with Theresa has taken on a new look.  Our friendship is deeply rooted in Christ so it will not end.  God filled in another gap with my friend Cindy(who is my worst blogger bugger).  I met Cindy years ago and God told me in a very real way that we would be great friends one day.  Several years later that too came to pass.  We have laughed together and cried together and continue to pray with each other.  Is she Theresa ...no....is she a new way of living...yes..

When the Lord moved my kids away especially my daughter Molly(you know mamas and daughters) I thought I am not going to make it..it was a great loss too,but God in his mercy brought along Pam who is young enough to be my daughter but is like my BFF with babies.  Seth and Brenna call me Lita.  It's awesome..Is Pam Molly?...no..she has become a new way of living for me.  I don't think God replaces those special people in our lives,but he fills in the gaps that seem like huge pits to me.  It's in those gaps that I grow.  We recently returned to our home church of 33 years.  We were called to another smaller church that I simply fell in love with.  We ministered there for about 3 years and God called us back home.  Both moves were really hard but leaving my little church was painful.  I miss my dear sisters there.  When we returned to our home church what a blessing God has had in store for us.  All the gaps I felt are being filled in one at a time....It has been a time of deep learning and giving up of my comfort zone..which can be painful, but ahh so necessary.  I am deeply grateful for all the people God has brought into my life and I know things will continue to change..but I know God is my gap filler and Oh how he loves you and me.