What Next???

All I can say is " I SWANEE ".  Just when I think my life might be slowing down a little...here we go again.  First of all my husband's scans all came back normal so we are looking toward surgery sometime in June.  We now have a plan and are moving forward.  When we went to the cancer center to talk with  the radiology oncologist I had to wait while they took Billy back.  I sat there and looked around at so many sick people.  Some with no hair, some in wheel chairs and some that looked so sick.  I thought wow we are really in the cancer world now.  I told the Lord I don't really want to be here.  I think I have learned something from all of this so I want Billy to be cancer free right now.  The Lord keeps reminding me that His ways are not mine so I sit back and rest in that.  So many things are getting ready to change in our lives.  I am trying really hard to find comfort in His word and looking for His face in all of this.  Psalm 34: 8 "  Taste and see that the Lord is good.  Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him."  I want to live by that.  I want my refuge to be in him.
My mom was re-admitted to the hospital last night.  That's the " I Swanee part ".  She went in on Memorial Day and was released Thursday only to be admitted in the wee hours of Saturday morning .  Monday her heart rate was 40 and Friday her heart rate was 135.  My mom is calm and has always been regal in every way.  Last night I watched as she thrashed all over the bed agitated and out of her mind.  She was so sick.  I prayed more than once " Lord what is the purpose in all of this?  Take her home."  I had to rest in him again and know that we live in a  fallen world and he doesn't like to see her suffer anymore than I do.  My mom loves the Lord with all of her heart.  She is ready to go...but again he always has purpose in all he does.  How did life get so tough.  I am reminded of Peter in the boat during the storm and as Jesus approached he didn't hesitate to step out onto the water as Jesus was walking on the water and calling to him.  He stepped out bravely and began to walk and then looked down at the swirling sea below him and began to fear and sink.  I know I am in the midst of a stormy sea and that I am trying to step out bravely into it.....my resolve is to keep my eyes on the Savior and not sink.  The enemy continues to throw out false life savers...I have to keep my eyes on the Savior!  He tells me as He told Peter " Don't be afraid. " " Take courage I am here!"  Lord thank you for all of the good you place in my life and all of the bad.  I am taking courage because I know you are here.  Thanks to my sisters who have been praying for me so diligently.  Love you all

God Is In Control

Wow what a week!  So many changes coming our way in the upcoming months.  First things first.  My husband was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer a couple of weeks ago.  We have been told by more people that if you have to get cancer this is the best one.  I am thinking REALLY???  The best kind of cancer in NO CANCER!  People really do mean well and I was actually believing some of that.  We had a biopsy done and found out it is more invasive then we thought.  We have two options surgery or radiation therapy.  We are heading toward the surgery most likely.  Now for those of you who understand what the prostate does you will know and understand that our lives are getting ready to change. My husband has always been super healthy so this is totally hard for him just to face surgery and all that it entails let alone learning to live life without a prostate.  Through all of this my husband knows God has a plan and this did not take him by surprise.  He believes that God will be glorified through this.  I am too in agreement however; I don't always stay focused on those promises.  I think as a woman I need to bask in all the emotional upheaval that the word CANCER brings.  My friend Ellen's husband has cancer too and his struggle is hard and scary.  Her husband has become the face of God in many ways throughout his journey.  He chooses to know God is in control and lives his life in Christ with such confidence.  Ellen and I were discussing cancer stuff tonight and I realized we are in the wives cancer club ( a club neither one of us chose) but here just the same.  When her husband was diagnosed last year I was so sad and scared for them both and they remain in my prayers it's just so strange that we are walking this trail together.  My husband has scans next week that will show whether or not this cancer has spread to anywhere else in his body.  It's right there haunting me..but I am not scared...just ready to get on with it....God you are in control!!! 
 Which brings me to a new discussion.  As I have read over and over in the last weeks how prostate cancer is silent, no symptoms, no real sign of trouble until it has begun to work it's destruction with in the body and we will know next week just far it has eaten away at new cells or has stayed within the prostate.   I have decided sin works just like cancer.  It starts quietly and can go on forever undetected and all the while it eats away at who we are and the people we love.  If not treated in continues it's destructive path and the fall out goes on and on and on and it will eventually kill who we are in Christ or reveals that maybe we were never really in Christ to begin with.  That last part will bring eternal life alone without Christ at all.  I watched in such sadness tonight what a life time of sin produces and how it scars and continues to reopen all of those old wounds that seem to never heal...because the sin continues on.  It has been detected all right but it continues to grow and the fallout seems never-ending .  I want God to step in and make this better...but it seems He is not hearing my dear friend's cries.  All the while I know He hears her cries and sees her every tear and I know one day He will set all things right.  She needs to know God as her protector and her saviour in motion today and tomorrow and the upcoming days.  The sin I am talking about was not hers but fallout sin from one that was supposed to love and cherish her forever.  He chose sin and it continues to eat away at at the good things in her life. We were talking the other day about God's pillar going behind the Israelites and covering Pharaoh's army in darkness,but continuing to give light to the Israelites.  They were about to see The Red Sea be parted in other words God's mighty hand was getting ready to produce a miracle just for them so they could see who God really is.  I believe with all of my heart that God's word is true and He is the "I AM"  today as he was in the Old Testament.  He is bigger than fallout from any ones sin.  I am praying just as I need to stay focused on who God is through this cancer journey that my friend will stay focused on The "I AM" .  The enemy remains in the darkness but you and I friend are in the light waiting to see God work a Red Sea miracle.  I have no clue how that will look, but I know " he is able to keep us from falling" and He never let's go of our hands.  Love you friend and know that I am praying for you.  Just so this is not too sappy....I know you really are jealous of my way cool cat book bag.  Be honest...you want to have it!!!

God Really Meets Our Needs

Can you believe it?  Posting 2 days in a row..I must be sick.  Just a quick praise.  On Mother's Day it is really hard not being able to hug your kids.  I have been sick all weekend so I did not make this morning's church service.  It is always about moms and I watch all the moms and daughters hanging out and going to lunch together.  To be honest I am always happy for those people, but at the same time I get sad....so I was glad to be sick this morning.  I also was up late last night and happened to chat with an old friend that just happens to be married to the worship leader at my daughter's church. It was so random that we were on line at the same time.  I had been a little worried about my daughter as she was entertaining in-laws and I know she misses her Mama on those occasions.  I was elated to see Carmela online and made a beeline to get her a message.  I asked her if she was in town and she said yes so I asked her to please give my baby girl the biggest hug ever and tell her that her Mama loves her so much.  I was so excited at the prospect of me giving her a hug that she could actually feel.  I thought God you are so good and you saw my need and made it happen.  Little did I know that when Carmela gave her that hug and explained how random it was that we chatted on line that Molly just cried.  Apparently she needed that hug as badly as I needed to give it.  God is so good and he cares about all things in our lives.  He knows the unspoken heartfelt needs of a mama and her daughter that are states apart.  I love you Lord!  Thank-you for meeting that need.

My Mommy Always You Will Be

Many of you may recognize the phrase in my title.  This came from a book my sister gave me years ago to read with my one and only son Paul.  We were struggling a little at that time.  Paul was wanting to grow up and I was holding on a little too tight.  I got the book in the mail and my sister instructed me to go in right away to a quiet room just me and Paul and read the book together.  The book encourages you to make up a tune to some of the lyrics and we did.  We read it all the way through and of course I was crying my eyes out by the last page.  Paul and I continue to sign our cards to each other with that phrase and many times during his growing up years he would bring the book in to me and we would read together when we were having a rough patch.  Now don't get me wrong I love all of my children,but this year I am going to dive in on raising a baby boy all the way up to him becoming a man.  On the night that Paul was born I remember them bringing him in to me late in the night for his first feeding.  I was startled when I first saw that black haired chubby baby.  He was screaming and he had scratches on his face and long black hair that already needed a trim.  I held him close and tried to nurse him for the very first time and he was not having any of it.  Mad and screaming I was at a loss.  Then I laid him on the bed and really looked at him.  Checked all his fingers and toes and from one inch to the other amazed that he was mine.  Paul was my first child and my only boy.  I thanked Jesus for him right away and I just picked him up and talked to him and finally he stopped crying and listened to my voice so intently.  I prayed that God would use him and that he would already begin to prepare his future wife.  I gave him to the Lord that night in the quiet of my room.  He finally ate and nestled right down and we fell asleep together.  Little did I know that I was going to need all of that sleep and more.  Paul was colic for 4 long months.  He took 30 minutes to eat was happy for 30 more minutes and cried for the next 3 hours until it was time to eat again.  I remember watching him cry and just feeling so helpless that I couldn't fix it.  I never got angry or wanted to throw him out the window like I have heard some mothers say.  I just loved him right through it.  He was mine and I was thrilled.  The bond that a mama and her baby boy have is unexplainable.  We were a lot a like and we butted heads many times because of it..."His mommy always I would be" remained true.  The last time I really felt like his mama was when he broke his leg two weeks before his wedding.  He was really sick with a temperature and he called me and asked if I could come down.  I was out the door within a few hours and down we drove three and half hours.  I walked in and met his fiance' at the door.  She was trying so hard to do everything right.  I walked into my son's room and the look on his face was one I will treasure forever.  He needed his mommy one more time and I was thrilled.  I knew as I was passing that baton to my wonderful daughter in law Lorie by explaining why Paul won't eat Ritz crackers when he is sick and why he only drinks  7-up I was indeed losing my boy in a whole new way.  It hurt when he went away to college but this was different.  He was walking away from me to the woman of his dreams and I knew my boy was all grown up and now a man.  There was never a regret.  I prayed for Lorie the night Paul was born and I knew this was God's plan.  Paul and Lorie have been married for nine years ( I think ).  My son is a pastor and a father of 2 children.  He has grown into a man of God that I admire and respect.  Just when I am feeling sorry for myself because  all of my kids are out of town I open up the card my son sent me for Mother's Day.  It is a hour before Mother's Day is officially here.  It is quiet my husband is already asleep.  I love the cards from my son because I know he looks for these himself.  So I begin to read and get to the last sentence and it says " I'll never outgrow you Mom"  I love my boy and am so thankful  that God chose me to be his Mama.   What a privilege it is to be a mom.  Paul Jacob you are special to me and Your Mommy Always I'll Be! 

Where Does My Peace Come From?

Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted any of my thoughts to this blog.  As I was reading my friend Cindy's blog I came to the question " Where Does My Peace Come From?"  We are both in a circle of friends that go way back.  Within that circle of friends we have watched many of our friends going through crisis.  At my friend Tracy's mother's funeral I connected with another friend Katie who was getting ready for the birth of a new grandson.  We both laughed at how fun grand babies were and her daughter was due anytime.  Her grandson was born several days ago only to go home to be with the Lord just a few days later.  Where does our peace come from.  My heart is broken for my friend and her daughter.  I remember changing that daughter's diaper many a time.  As Katie's family was reeling from this tragedy she called another friend to come over and minister to her daughter.  That friend lost her son many years ago.  We raised our children together.  Where does our peace come from?  I am in such a quandary as I grow older with each and every day as to why all these things happen.  When my friend lost her son those many years ago in a horrible accident I remember being so angry at God for the way that child had to be taken. I sat many days with my friend with not a word spoken.  I had no words that would even begin to seem appropriate. I remember her quiet grieving but more so I watched her incredible peace.  She seemed to be washed in it.  Did she cry? Yes Was she broken hearted? Yes  Would her world be forever changed? Yes...but she had such peace.  I don't think I ever told her how much my walk with Christ changed watching her bask in that peace.  Where does our peace come from?  It comes from the life giver, the lover of my soul, the one who gave his very life for me.  All of the friends I have mentioned, we have life strings tied to each other as we raised our kids together,grew up together, and have kept that common bond that only Christ can give to his body of believers.  Life will continue on...on these hard days I pray for peace for my friends.  I want them to be washed in it.....Christ will return and every tear will be washed away but until that day His promise of peace will sustain us.  I am choosing to believe this very promise for my friends as God sings over them in sweet sweet love.  Tracy....praying for you.

Forever Reaching

Well it has been a 102 for the last 2 days and promises to be as hot tomorrow.  My friend Cindy lives for this heat.  I on the other hand have not suffered heat stroke and realize too much of a good thing is too much!!! I can only take off so many clothes.

Oh well on to the meat of my blog.  I was looking at a picture of my granddaughter Rylie today.  This picture is of her and her Daddy at a local science center.  She has cerebral palsy and my son Paul was holding her and introducing her to a resident goat.  In the picture you can see that he has to hold her hand in the direction of the goat so she can pet him.  Rylie is forever reaching but because of her CP she doesn't always reach in the right direction.  She amazes me that she is always trying with the hope that her muscles will cooperate and get her to what she wants.  I know God uses her in my life so often and just a glimpse of this picture makes me wonder as to what am I Forever Reaching for?  I reach for material things as we all do, I reach for food more than I like to admit, I reach for my husband and all that he has to offer and I reach for God.  Now as to what order I do that in is what I need to get straightened out.  Obviously I need to reach for God first..it is the right Christian answer...but in reality I don't always.  Oh I am reaching alright all the time for something just not in the direction God would have me to.  I  know the Holy Spirit is constantly trying to point me in the right direction, but in my stubbornness I fight back and reach for the wrong thing.  My son Paul has the patience of Job and will work with Rylie until the goats come home and only finds joy as Rylie touches that goat and laughs her good ole belly laugh.  Her muscles fight all the way and then immediately relax as she feels that funny fur.  She has found the object of her searching and all of her efforts are rewarded, but she had to yield to her Daddy's firm but loving hand as he helped her.  I want to be just like that with my heavenly father.  I want to reach for things that will bring him glory and will result in me finding that perfect resting place and peace and when I don't reach in the right direction I want him to firmly direct me in the way that he wants me to go.  I have a dear friend that I have been praying for because her husband was diagnosed with cancer.  We prayed for her tonight as her husband goes in for an MRI of his brain tomorrow.  She admitted she was a little anxious of the outcome and when asked how her husband was doing she smiled and said great.  He is holding us all up.  Her husband I think has been reaching in the right direction for a long time  and now it is second nature for him to continue to reach for God and it is obvious that he has found that resting place of peace.  Are his circumstances hard?  Yep..does he stop reaching nope....amazing how God trusts his saints with  hard journeys  only to have others encouraged.  I want to be" Forever Reaching" towards my Heavenly Father simply because He reached for me first..He inclines his ear to me as I cry out to him.  Thank you God for my sweet Rylie just the way she is.  Thank you for true men of God that when in crisis only build up and encourage others.  God be with you both tomorrow and I will be praying!

Just What Am I doing?

Apathy..hmm a word that really is a kill joy in every arena.   Webster defines it as: lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm.  So when we put apathetic in the same sentence with Christianity we automatically have a problem.  I have heard sermon after sermon on being an apathetic Christian and yet I still fall prey to that behavior on a regular basis.  I am hear today to write out loud as to why I think I am a chronic apathetic Christian.  Wow that was a big admission for you all to read.  We all deal with it and yet we can't seem to (as Bob Newhart puts it) "just stop it".  I am doing a Bible study this summer titled "The Well".  It's basic idea is that we all have holes that we gather water from but we don't draw from the Well himself  Jesus Christ.  I have a had a lack of interest in this study even though I know I need it and I can grow from it.  This weeks chapter deals with the hole of control.  Now don't get me wrong I love control, but I don't thrive on it like I used to.  The older I get I realize how little control I have or even want... so I realized today that I have the control to open the book and read the scripture Acts 27 along with the chapter.  Acts 27 deals with Paul becoming shipwrecked on his way to Rome for his trial.  He is sailing as a prisoner.  He gives advise to the captain of the ship to stay at port in Crete or we will shipwreck and lose all of our cargo...the captain does not listen and they indeed become shipwrecked on a small island.  The chapter is a blow by blow  description of the storm.  As I read this story I think Paul had every right to be apathetic on this journey.  He was most likely headed to a death sentence.  Not Paul...he was living the adventure by caring for other captives and his captors.  He was calm but not apathetic.....He knew who was in control and never once did he  focus on himself.  So just what am I doing????  I am apathetic because the focus remains on me!!!!!!!  I mope around and think about me and me and some more of me.  I really need to realize that I am headed toward Heaven with each day and that is not a death sentence, but a life sentence...eternal life with Christ...how can I lose interest in that...A little bit of truth....painful huh????  I  live through storms and just everyday life can get old, but when I learn to take the focus off myself and put it on the Well himself I suddenly gain purpose again..I never really lose purpose I just lose sight of it when the mirror of life shows only my reflection.  When I am stuck in front of a mirror all day I am completely non productive...so I am going to start breaking some mirrors around here and get busy about my Father's business.  My baby Molly just called me and was enjoying her babies sitting outside in the sun and was missing me...I miss her too everyday.  What a lovely picture for me to think on for the rest of the day.  Thank you Lord your timing is always perfect...I am officially declaring war on apathy within me and my house....get behind me Satan!!!