I am refusing...okay???

I know a day behind almost....Well as I ponder this past week I find myself growing everyday...and I don't mean more spiritual...I am gaining weight like crazy!.  For those of you who know me you remember I lost a whole bunch of weight a little over a year ago.  I lost over 70 lbs. and was thrilled to be back into a size 14 and on a good day a size 12.  I breathed a big sigh of relief and thought this is it I have arrived at a healthy weight.  Are you kidding me I was looking hot and I felt every bit good about it.  I attributed my weight loss to a stomach issue that forbade me to eat what I liked and therefore I lost weight.  I gave all the credit to God for allowing me to have the stomach issue thus he got the glory for the weight loss.  Well here we are today heavier and unhappy about it.  I knew I was in trouble last week when I had a doctors visit and the sweet little nurse asked me happily "can you just hop on to these scales?'.  To my complete surprise I said "NO",  "I can't...I mean I am refusing..okay?"  I thought to myself, self you are 52 years old and you don't have to get on those scales if you don't want to.  The nurse again explained to me that they really liked to have a weight recording on every visit and  I told her "and again I am refusing".  As I followed her to the exam room I began to second guess my behavior and I really had to replay my conversation to her to decide if I was rude or not...at the expense of having to get on those scales I decided nope you were within your rights.  I rationalized all the way home as to the reason why I am gaining weight again.  I half way convinced myself it's the menopause spread....no, I miss my kids so I am eating too much....no face it Kelley you have taken back control over issues that you cannot control .  Hmmm do I pray that stomach issue returns???  I have now faced reality..God wants control over all of my life.  I remembered when I was losing weight my focal point was off food and my walk with Jesus was key.  Now I humbly admit my focal point has once again become food and my walk with the Lord seems more distant.  Girls why do I always end up back at this point.  I truly want my walk with Jesus to be second nature.  Like after you have driven a car for years it becomes second nature you don't think about it you just do it.  I have known the Lord for 38 years and still somehow I am having to think about it instead of just doing it.  I love the Lord with all of my heart.  I don't want to just recognize the verse " his mercies are new everyday..," I want to know it to the depths of my heart, mind and soul.  So today I am refusing to follow my heart and my mind and soul..which are as fickle as the day is long.  I am choosing to follow the Holy Spirit which inhabits those places.  He is steadfast and not fickle and he is definitely not hungry 24 hours a day.  Today is all I can promise.  In all of reality really minute by minute on many days.  Jesus loves me this I know.  For the Bible tells me so..this is what I stand on today!